Mojo Reclamation Project

Our very own trail bunny, JoLynn, has taken on my Mojo Reclamation as a charity project and has been inviting me to go riding with her. I am VERY appreciative of this since my exercise enthusiasm meter currently reads "I'd rather sit on the couch eating cereal out of the box and watch House. Thanks, anyway."


Our first attempt to ride together was thwarted by bitter cold and abject Californian Weather Weenieness (Read: JoLynn's report here), but this Sunday JoLynn and hit the road.

Well, some of us literally...

Come on JoLynn, you had to know this would be a highlight. I am teh B*tch after all (*sniff* missing teh G)

This was the maiden voyage for JoLynn's new clipless pedals (still have no idea why they call them clipless pedals when you "clip" in. Whatever) They say three falls makes a rider and JoLynn got one of them out of the way on Sunday, when we stopped to take a picture.

Clearly, my quest for less hot friends is NOT going well.

I am not sure she gets credit for the fall. 1. There was no blood and 2. She looks too fucking cute. There should at least be some embarrassing "Oh shit!" face that I can mock her for. So you be the judge. Does she have 2 more falls or 3 until she is a rider? We will ignore the fact that after only 3 months of riding she is already faster than me. (Pfft. Big whoop-ty doo! Old men with dogs riding in their bike's front basket are faster than me. I wouldn't go bragging girlie!) Either way I will makes sure I have my camera with me.

It was a beautiful ride and we had a great time. We even got to swing through her
hood and meet the fam fam.

Mr. JoLynn is just a cool as one would expect, and if I may be so bold, is quite the little hottie. The world's most photographed trail dog, Boomer, was there and it was fantastic to see his smiling face again.

Boomer, trail dog extraordinaire.
Yes, JoLynn, I stole your picture and then cropped you out of it. I agree, that is pretty fucked up.

I got the meet her cats and was greeted, in true cat style, with the "what they fuck are you doing in our house harshing our mellow" look. Gotta love cats.

All in all a great ride!

Thank you, chickie! I needed that.

Kids Say the Darndest Things!

Those crazy teenagers! Here are some highlights from this years adventures in teaching: (and no, amazingly, I am not writing this from jail after killing one. Go me.)

1. One girls asks if I have a tampon (sorry, boys. Avert your eyes) I say "yes" and go to get her one. The girl with her looks at me completely shocked, "Ms. R, you still get your period?!"

2. One particularly obnoxious boy in my class that is CONSTANTLY chattering away, informs me he is tired and asks if he can take a nap in class that day, I say jokingly, "Yes, if it will keep you quiet." He looks at me suspiciously and says, "Oh sure, then the next thing I know I wake up in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney!" (Almost spit out my coffee that made me laugh so hard)

3. I tell a student to stop texting during class and put away his cell phone. Incredulous, he yells, "What?! I am NOT texting! God!" and throws his arms in the air dramatically to prove he does not have his phone out, but the genius forgets to set it on his lap first, causing him to fling it across the room. It lands at my feet and shatters into four pieces.


Then there are the classics:

Student walks in to class, "do we have a test today?"
Me: "Umm... yes, I announced every day for the last week and a half"
Student: "Dude! What is it on?"
Me: *sigh* "Does it matter?"

Student: "Why do we need to know this? I am not going to be a doctor"
Me: "Thank you for playing, Captain Obvious"


21 weeks until summer....


In running news:
Finally enjoying running again. There is light at the end of the tunnel

Yes, this makes me a b*tch

Most of you know that I have an amazing best friend that we call LA Run buddy. She is actually "Formerly from LA Run buddy" as she has moved back to the land of sane people in Northern California, but her moniker was already too long and people know it, so we are sticking with that.

Anyhoo...

LA Run buddy is amazing. She is beautiful, smart, funny as hell, and everyone LOVES her instantly.

The bride -Claudia fucking Schiffer, and her elven friend.

So, where is the "this makes me a bitch" part, you ask?

I HATE that she is:

1. prettier than me

2. funnier than me

3. people like her more than they like me (even people that would NEVER admit it and, really, for their health and safety shouldn't.)

4. runs faster than me

5. bikes faster than me

6. swims faster than me (ok, a little petty to hate that, since EVERY able bodied person in the free world, and one guy with one arm [beat me at Pac Grove. Twice], swims faster than me.)

7. looks better in bike shorts than me

8. looks better in EVERYTHING than me

9. is all around one of those girls that is shown in movies walking around with a pack of other perfect girls, in slow motion, with their hair blowing in a breeze that no one else is effected by, as everyone stares mouth agape.

10. is COMPLETELY selfless and giving and does not have ONE mean bone in her perfect little fucking body.


Whatever

This has been true since I met her and even though EVERY gene on my two little X chromosomes screams that I should hate her and say nasty shit behind her back to boost my own subterranean self esteem, since that is how we girls roll, ....

I don't

because she is so damn lovable.

Grrrr

This week at Weight Watchers (I went there to lose the 375,000 pounds I gained training for Ironman. And, yes, I do believe that is the ultimate "Fuck you" from your metabolism, in case you were wondering) I got another reminder of how improbable this friendship is.

We go to weigh in after our run (the clothes are lighter, and maybe, just maybe, I lost water weight in sweat) I knew this was the "week before" weigh in and it was going to suck. The girls know what I am talking about. It is the week before your period when you bloat up like a dead porpoise carcass in July and gain inexplicable amounts of weight over fucking night. That is of course, unless you are a already a skinny bitch, then I don't know what happens to you. Do you get lighter? Do angels fly out of your butt? Seems like everything else goes your way, why not that? (ooohh, so bitter, RBR, so bitter...)

ANYWAY, RBR, back to the story

LA Run Buddy is a lifetime member because she hit goal over a year ago and goes to maintain (yes, people actually exist that are not constantly either losing or gaining weight. They just stay the same weight. Crazy. I know. I thought that was urban legend too) So as I am having the kind lady at WW give me the "Oh, dear God you gained 3 FUCKING pounds in a week. What happened? Did you eat New Zealand" look, LA Run Buddy's weigh in girl was giving her paper work to work at the center and be a meeting leader since she was "such an inspiration and had great energy. "

*sigh*

I, seriously, need less hot friends.

TRAINING (Oh, yes I actually have training to report)

I have started a 4 day a week plan to get me back moving and in the habit without making me crazy. I had a great talk with my coach that was super inspirational and frankly really good for my self esteem. So I am feeling much better about all of this. Including IMCdA, which I think I took relatively well, but was certainly a blow.

I have been feeling really strong out there on my 4 and 5 mile runs (le sigh) and 20 mile bike rides, but at least I am doing more than once or twice a week.

RACE PLANS

I am staying conservative at this point, but you know me, once this gets rolling I am certain there will be more.

Here are three races that WILL happen in 2010.

Big Sur Marathon April 25th, 2010

Auburn Half Iron Triathlon May 23, 2010

Vineman Full Iron Distance July 31, 2010 (It is ON bitches!)

Participant Report: Nike Women's Half Marathon - October 19, 2009

Or...

Why runners should NEVER walk a half marathon?


So I it is well known around here that I have been doing diddly shit as far as training goes and had fully expected to forfeit my registration for the Nike Women's Marathon. However, some 1/2 marathon registrations became available and my former run buddy decided to register. I was a little surprised at this since she is, in truth, training less than me and coma patients with conscientious PT therapists are training more than me right now, but I figured "what the hell? We can walk it. How bad can that be?"

13.1 miles is how bad it can be.

13.1 miles of

of watching runners line up and head out for the full marathon you puss-ed out on

of hearing people say, "God, we are so slow we are back here with the walkers!"

of having 20 fucking minutes go by and then finally seeing the next mile marker

of starting in the absolute last wave yet being passed by DROVES of people.

of being passed by droves of happy, peppy people that trained and deserved to be there.

of having the cops move you off to the sidewalks since the course is no longer officially open


Yeah, that is how fucking bad it can be.


I hereby vow that I will never do this again. By this, I mean show up to do an event that I did not train for and have no business being at. Not because I think it cheapens the experience of the event for other runners (fuck that, I am just not that selfless. Did you just meet me?) but because doing the work to get to an event is what makes me me enjoy it regardless how it turns out. Life it too short to spend 4 hours and 45 minutes (yes, a mere 15 minutes slower than my fastest full marathon) doing a fucking, miserable half marathon.

It is marathon season and I do not have a marathon planned. I am a ship with out a rudder. Someone help me.

I figure, if I am going to be overly dramatic, then I should go for it, no?

Scintillating Tales of Inactivity

Alright folks you asked for it! I am here to report

NOTHING

Absolutely

NOTHING

Before vacating the premises the vermin squatter gave me some sort of Flu of Death and I have spent the last 5 days sleeping. Now, before you assume I just was hankering for a little vacay from the cherubs (oh, and we have some LIVE ones this year. Fodder for many posts to come, no doubt) I went 3 of those days sans COFFEE. Yes, that is the Middle English sans (and yes, I had to look up the etymology. Shut up, G), as in WITHOUT. NOT. ONE. DROP.

As if that was not enough to call in the CDC, I also lost 8 pounds

I have found 4 back already lest you think I have gone all Kate Moss on your ass. Shut up. I am aware it would take more than 8 pounds to get our rubenesque RBR to Moss-esque status. Pointing that out is somewhat rude, by the way.

I must say that I am somewhat overwhelmed by the kind comments and encouragement I have received from you all regarding my current mojo-less state. I have said before, but not lately, how grateful I am to this community for inspiring, encouraging, and indulging this non-athlete in her athletic endeavors. You guys rock!

Better call the Orkin man...

During my unofficial and unplanned blog hiatus, I seem to have acquired a squatter and and no doubt the other assorted vermin that go along with such creatures, so I better come back and regulate.

I am incapable of linking to a region on a page (and yes, I tried. Whatever. Stupid html coder) Here is a screen shot of the soon to be eradicated platy-phobe. Really? Who is afraid of a fucking platypus? Maybe that is why he thinks I am a man, since I have a bigger set, and all.

I wouldn't want it giving my platypus fleas. (and no , G, you big pervo, 'platypus' is NOT a euphemism *eye roll* There is, seriously, something wrong with you)

Oh, and in some shocking news I RAN last Sunday!! I actually ran more than 4 miles for the first time in weeks.

I went running with a teacher buddy of mine that is training for her first marathon. She wanted to run 8 so I said, "sure I suffer like no one I know, what the hell."

And, yes I was SLOW, and yes, I suffered but mostly because it was hilly as hell and 90 f-ing degrees. However , it was great to get out somewhere beautiful and just run and chat with an old friend that I do not get to see too often.

Mojo still elusive, but looking more promising

It happens to the best of us...

Where, oh where, has little Miss RBR gone? What occupies her, historically, copious hours of blogging, and blog reading time these days?

Newly found love of crochet?
No, as weak ass and lame as it is, that would constitute a form of art, and RBR is as philistine as the day is long.

Internet porn obsession?
No, Glaven's hits alone exceed the allowable bandwith for Trannies_4_me_n_u.com so there is no room for little ol' me. (Didn't think I forgot 'cha did you buddy?)

Total and absolute burnout?
Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

I have seen this phenomenon happen to much more impressive athletes than me (really, your average lawn bowler is a more impressive athlete than me, I digress...) but,

I hit the training/racing wall and I hit it HARD.

It was hard to come here and report, "I hate running, I hate biking, I hate swimming (ok, that is not hard to report since I ALWAYS hate swimming) and I feel like total dog shit." Plus reading about all of you doing awesome things was hard as well. So I just dropped off the fucking planet.

I am not sure if it hit shortly after Barb's Race or, more likely, 3 miles into San Francisco Marathon, but I lost the love. Let's review the time since my last post:

August 31st: Supposed to run the Inaugural Dirt Inspires Half Marathon. Woke up at 5, looked at clock, said "Fuck that", went back to sleep.

September 12th: Supposed to do the Triathlon at Pacific Grove (would have been my 5th year in a row and was my first triathlon) The weekend before, I thought "I really do not have ANY fucking desire to do that." So I did not.

Me in my new, uber-geeky t-shirt! A former student sent me the link. I LOVE it! I have a full blown, bat shit crazy, obsession with the duck billed platypus and all of my students know it.

I am now one of those people that pretty much only works out on the weekends and very slow, very short stuff at that. It takes HERCULEAN effort to get my ass out the door for these very infrequent, very piss poor efforts.

Run
My longest run since Barb's? 5 miles.
My average run length? 4 miles.
Number of times I run a week on average? Once.
Bike
Longest bike ride since Barb's? 20 miles
My average ride length? 16 miles
Average rides per week? 1.5
Swim
Longest swim since Barb's? 0 yards (that pretty much answers the rest of the questions)

I know I must be somewhat better, since I am back here, but...

I have lost my mojo. Has anyone seen it?