"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Monday, July 27, 2009

Race Report: San Franscisco Marathon - July 26, 2009

Alternative title: My heart is fine, but I left my ass in San Francisco. And my knees, and my quads, and my hip flexors, ...

As per usual I must tell a lead in story before we actually get to the marathon report. Don't act surprised. Here is the quick and dirty

SF marathon stats:

Official time: none (lost my fucking chip. Can you believe that?!)
Total Garmin time: 5:54 (sadly, NOT a personal worst, but pretty damn bad)
Total Garmin distance: 26.7 (we will get to that. Oh yes, we will.)

Pre wedding madness and SFM Expo

As some of you may remember my best friend and Run Buddy was getting married on the Saturday before the race so I had planned to go to the race expo on Friday and I was going to be lucky enough to meet up with several bloggy buddies there. Well, best laid plans and all.

The first panicked bride call came at 7 am, followed by about 10 others. (That part is true, but I have highly dramatized the following conversations for, well, dramatic effect, and I like making fun of her 'cuz I am so sweet. :o) )

Run Buddy Bridezilla: I lost the bubbles! Who has a fucking wedding without bubbles?! The wedding is off!
RBR: It's ok, I will get some bubbles

*We had three more calls exactly like this over two different types of ribbon, favor cards, and a hole punch.

Run Buddy: We can't fit the ice in the car! We will have warm drinks! We can not have warm drinks! The wedding is off!
RBR: It's ok, I can get ice tomorrow on my way

Run Buddy Bridezilla: There is no iron at the house! The groom's shirt looks like he packed it in a fucking sandwich bag! What is wrong with him?! The wedding is off!
RBR: It's ok, I will bring an iron

Between that, a meeting with my nutritionist, and lunch with an old friend I was running WAY late for the expo. I had expected to miss everyone.

But I DIDN'T!!

L to R: Roadbunner (she PR'd the hell out of that badboy yesterday), Tara (Another SFM birthday girl) aron (even MORE fucking gorgeous than her blog pictures, but I still liked her ;o)) Moi (Ugh. Mental note: Do NOT take full body pics with skinny bitches), and PunkRockTriGuy (HIL-AR-I-OUS! Love him!)

After the expo I did a grand tour of not less than five 'Dollar' stores and party supply places to find wedding bubbles. It is August and apparently wedding season is at an end. I ended up with these:

This is the picture I texted to Run Buddy. Thankfully, she had regained her characteristic good humor by then

There were actually four colors: Red -Stegosaurus, Orange-Brontosaurus, Purple - Tricerotops, and Blue - Tyranosaurus Rex.

Super classy!

Wedding Day

The morning was insane since I had to pick up three things that needed to remain cold: the cakes, the flowers, and 80 pounds of ice. Then there is the issue of driving all this from SJ to Moss Landing (normally 45 minutes) when every other asshole from the valley wants to get to the beach or to Redneckfest 2009 also known as the Gilroy Garlic Festival.

2 hour 10 min later I arrived in Moss landing practically frozen solid from the air conditioning I used to keep the cakes from melting and flowers from wilting.

Isn't she beautiful!! I don't know why I look like I am sucking on lemons.


They even surprised me with a birthday cake. I can not even express to you how wonderful this woman is and how much she means to me.

Unfortunately, my Maid of Honor duties included a lot of running around and I was a stupid girl and wore these shoes

A fact I would not forget for 26.7 miles the next day

Race Morning

I drove into the city since I live close, but with an early start I had to get up at 2:30 am leave by 3:30 am to get there around 4:30 am.

I had gone to bed at 12:30 the night before, so... yeah.

I was up late getting my outfit ready because this may be how a demure, pretty, little 27 year old celebrates her birthday at a marathon...

Tara turned 27 on Sunday and from what I heard through the grapevine rocked the hell out of her race!


This is how the 40 year old ME celebrates her birthday at a marathon..

When you are cute and 27 you get plenty of attention. At 40 you have to be a little more aggressive to get some.


In the parking lot I met this really cool, WAY hardcore triathlete named Russ that was going for a BQ time on the SF course. He helped me find the race start and we chatted in the port-o-potty line.


SFM Profile. I am no expert, but this doesn't look like your typical BQ course to me

I told him that I would be thinking about him and would send him good vibes at 9:00am when he should be finishing to qualify. (I actually was feeling like SHIT at 8:59am, so I stopped to send him a "I hope you are sprinting to the finish right now!" email from my Blackberry. He cracked up when he got home and read it. Unfortunately, no BQ for him "only" 3:48. Christ, who ARE these people I talk to?!)

Then I got a text from Penny (Southbay Girl), about 10 seconds later we were squealing like little girls!


Penny and Crack-eye Joe (what is up with me in the morning?)

Not long after Willie and his buddy Bill come up and give us a big hug and there was more little girl screaming. Ok, that was just Willie, but I could tell that Bill wanted to. ;o) We all meandered over to the Wave 4 start.

Miles 0-13

In the starting corral I realized I was not wearing my timing chip. So I look at my number (they were stickers attached to the numbers) and no chip. WTF? Who loses a sticker?

Me, apparently.

Oh well. I guess I am running this bitch all unofficial like. Whatever.

Willie, Mr. sub-four hour marathoner starts fluttering about how he isn't ready for this and that he was thinking about just running it with me (lest you forget, dear reader, I am a way OVER-5 hour marathoner) Yeah, pretty hilarious. He lasted all of about 25 feet before he glanced back over his shoulder said "Have a good run!"

Sorry darlin' I just don't think you have what it takes to run a 5 + hour marathon

With that, he and Mr. 'Speedy Pants' Bill were off like the proverbial prom dress. Penny was doing the half marathon and we decided to run it together. Woo hoo!!

I could tell pretty early on that it was not going to be my day. I have toe issues

Bunions! They are not just for octogenarians anymore!
Goddamn those cute, narrow shoes of the 80's

and my feet were very sore like they get at mile 23, only it was mile 3. I knew I had a long day ahead. However, Penny and I had a blast! We were taking pictures, freezing our asses off on the bridge, ... oh wait , that was just me. Penny is a freak and loved it.


I am working WAY too hard and suffering WAY too much for mile 3, but we look cute right?

Running over the bridge was kind of cool, but it was so foggy that you, honestly, could not tell it was even a bridge. It was like running on any ol' road. A wet slippery road that was really crowded.

Penny and the bridge. You can barely make out one of the towers behind her in the fog. Lame.

We saw Willie and Bill on the bridge (they were about 3 miles ahead of us. Whatever. Stupid fast people) They screamed Happy Birthday and Run Bitch Run! It was AWESOME! Thanks guys!

At mile 10 we ran into a Velcro doppelganger and we stopped to say hello! (Velcro is Penny's dog)

Puppy kisses during a marathon are ALWAYS appreciated!

At this point I was seriously considering just saying "Fuck it" and crossing the half marathon finishing line with Penny and being done with it. We ran on into Golden Gate park and only sheer stubbornness and ego made me go right at the Half-Full split and continue on by myself for the next 13.2 miles.

Bye Penny. *sniff*

Miles 13.1-20

Slog. Slog. Slog.

At mile 19, there is the first half finish line again. Internal dialog: "Fuck this I should bail. Fuck this I should bail. Oh, fuck it, I will keep going."

Slog. Slog. Slog

Miles 20-26.7

Mile 20 runs down the famous Haight Street. Referred to as THE Haight by cool kids in the know. Let me fill you in on the truth about THE Haight. It is a SHITHOLE. It is not edgy and bohemian. It is a drug addict filled, SHITHOLE and tops the charts as one of the places you are most likely to get mugged and beaten death for 12 dollars.

I had to step over a passed out junkie to get this picture and my husband's response to it was "Man, you look tired" Thanks, babe.


After we got off Haight, the diversions started. The first time I came to an intersection and was told by the volunteers to go in a different direction than everyone I had seen before me I thought it was odd. The fourth time, I started to get a little pissed. Each time I noticed the mile markers got a little farther apart. So the whole "it is the same distance as the regular course" thing was bullshit. It was mostly the same distance, but when you get diverted at every opportunity it apparently adds half a mile. You may think "what the hell is she bitching about? She ran 26.2 miles and she doesn't want to run extra half mile?"

No. No, I fucking don't.

Finally we got back to the water which meant that I only had about 2 miles to go. Just about everyone around me was suffering. A pretty fit looking guy and I were passing each other at regular intervals. He would run, limp, walk. I would run, swear, walk.

When we hit the mile 26 marker I said "Thank sweet baby Jesus" and he said "Where was he at mile 15 when this started sucking" Hoo! That made me laugh REALLY hard. Like not-able-to-run hard. If you are out there dude, good show, good show!

And then 5 hours and 54 minutes and 26. 7 miles after I started I finally crossed the damn finish line. Sheesh.

Penny was there for me at the finish line and we rousted Willie and Bill from their slumber to come have lunch.

Thank you guys for an awesome birthday marathon!

31 comments:

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Hilarious report, B*TCH!1!

Geez, do you ALWAYS look so glam after running 10, 15, 20, 26.7 miles? Maybe it's that boa you're wearing and your perfect teef (which kinda make me suspect you may actually be a dude in drag), but those are some great pix.

Congrats on bulling your way through that slog. Or slogging your way through that bull. Whichever.

And HAPPY 40th! I'm here at the other end of that decade (49) to tell you: It's ALL downhill from here! Your best years are behind you but DON'T LOOK BACK AT THEM because if you get a good look at your 40-year-old @$$, it'll just depress you!

KIDDING!

Congrats again and happy birthday!

FIRST!1!

Suck it, slower commenters!

Kim said...

Happy Birthday and welcome to the masters division!

I have to say I am hugely jealous of the toe pics. You have *sob* all ten of your toenails.

Diana said...

Hilarious report!
When you really think about it, this is some funny shit we do to ourselves to stay in shape and in our own little minds, looking like those 20 year old biatches!

Roisin said...

Hil-freakin'-arious. Per usual, of course ;)

My favourite parts include, but are not limited to:
1. Pic with Aron!
2. Puppy kisses!!
3. The real Haight

Congrats on finishing, of course. No matter what the time was, YOU FINISHED yet another marathon. Bad assery at its finest. And happy birthday! I hope I look as good as you when I turn 40!!!

lindsay said...

what would i do without you, seriously! once again you've outdone yourself with another marathon and race recap. i always look super cool at work trying to hold in my bursts of laughter, but then i just end up doing a shoulder-shake. my boss can always tell i'm working hard since work is so funny and all. :) thanks for the laughs as always. your posts are the best!

umm your feet look awesome. i think i'm going to have to wear running shoes to my wedding to cover all that junk up! ;)

happy birthday again, and congrats on another marathon!

Sarah said...

Happy Birthday sweet cheeks! I love how we crazies celebrate our birthdays. I need to come out there and do that race sometime.

Um, one question though. You look like a skinny bitch in that first picture, so I'm not sure who you are referring to. And second, how do you always look so fab in these pictures? I look like ass when I am running.

AKA Alice said...

Wait a minute...they started diverting WHEN? WTF is that about...a five or six hour marathoner shouldn't be diverted. That is well within the range of acceptability.

More random comments...

You, once again, impress the hell out of me with your studliness. I know I'd have gone the 1/2 Mary route.

I saw on Penny's FB page the picture of you in the tiara and boa and just laughed. That is so perfect. I'm thinking of adopting that look for the AFC 1/2 (which is five days after my 47th effing bday this year...talk about being pretty far away from 27...)

Another excellent race report. You are so damn funny, it hurts.

T-Rex bubbles. Just classic!

Vegas Babeee (yes, I may just end ever single comment on your blog for the next few months with that...or an Elvis reference)

Athena Misty, aka "GeekGirl" said...

You may think "what the hell is she bitching about? She ran 26.2 miles and she doesn't want to run extra half mile?"

Nobody who has ever run a marathon is thinking that. We're thinking back to how impossibly long that last half mile is. By then, I'm usually swearing at whomever measured the course, convinced that they made it too long just to screw with me.

Slomohusky said...

Just when I thought this blog could not get anymore entertaining?
I will be adding SF to my 2010 event list. See ya in Vegas.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

On second look, I'm even more convinced you're a dude in drag. Because in that first picture? Definite bulge in your crotch area.

Hey, who can blame you? The guy next to you is a STUD! Who wouldn't pop some wood?

Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.

Carolina John said...

dayum, how many marathons have you done now? impressive, babe. only idiots like us would do crazy shit before a marathon. being the maid of honor tends to take all of the time the day before a marathon. and leave you feeling run down after the wedding. it's awesome that run buddy got married. but i would not be up for a marathon the next day. i would be hungover.

that's a great report! seems like you had a fun time except for the diversions. i was pissed my marathon last month clocked 26.4 miles.

M2Marathon said...

Hilarious post! I absolutely love your birthday marathon getup! I was wanting to do SFM this year but definitely realize I ain't ready for it yet!

Lindy said...

Two non race things: You look FABULOUS in that shade of blue, and your toes look like regular people's feet, not a marathoners. You should be proud.

As for the race...DAYUM, that totally sucks you lost your chip, or your D-tag or whatever. You have a lot of heart to continue that race when it sucked and your race buddy turned off at 13 miles, etc...

NICE!

aron said...

you seriously have the BEST race reports EVER!!! I am dying over here :)

I am so so so glad I got to meet you :) you are amazing lady - running a full marathon the day after you were in a wedding - wow! I wish I would have seen you that morning!!! :( we will have to meet up again!

When I did SFM last year I was way over the mileage too... even this year doing the half I was like 13.2+... annoying!

CONGRATS on another marathon!!!!

aron said...

ohhh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY :) LOVE the outfit!

Tara said...

LMAO you are too freaken funny!!! Glad that you had a great birthday and you are certainly looking cute in your bday marathon gear! Congrats on another marathon finish! My Garmin said I ran 26.5 :-/

Happy Birthday again!!!

Drs. Cynthia and David said...

Happy 40th! Enjoy your 40's! I turned 53 (egads!) last week and celebrated by running the SF marathon too! I managed to add over an hour compared to my best times from my twenties. What is that all about anyway?!

My Garmin said it was 26.6 miles! Really messed with my head- I kept thinking only x miles to go, wait add .4 miles to that! I got stuck in the diversions too- I'd get up to an intersection, and they'd pull the caution tape across the intersection right in front of me! I'd go on alone until passed...

Too bad about your chip- I blame the wedding- it distracted you. That is a lot of distraction before a race, and lack of sleep too! No wonder it wasn't your best day.

The damp fog wasn't as bad as the toasty streets once the fog lifted. So we were running down the Haight? I was so oblivious by that point...

You look adorable in your pictures (and not tired, though maybe your husband knows you better)!

Cynthia

Reese said...

Great finish, better report.

Jaime said...

Happpppy Birthday and congrats on yet another marathon. You are amazing!

Willie said...

So great to see you again. Best damn 15 feet I ever had babe! You really know how to make something that short worthwhile! OK I'll stop there....

Happy Birthday and absolutely loved the Boa.

ShirleyPerly said...

I think that being in a wedding in those dressy painful shoes and doing a marathon the next day makes the Disney Goofy Challenge look easy. Way to tough out a tough course and with a pink feather boa of all things, LOL. I hope you kept some of those cute bubblys for yourself :-)

CONGRATS on another marathon done!!!

d said...

Outstanding report. Extra points for exceptional and appropriate use of profanity. Always enjoy reading your blog.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Potshots at my manhood now, huh? Is that what it has come to, B*tch?

[MrBurnsVoice] You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend. [/MrBurnsVoice]

P.S. I typed this comment with my p*nis so that should give you some idea of its (let's say) "palpable-ness" and skill level. (Plus, yes, my p*nis does impressions - and not just Mr Burns!)

*smirk*

Regina said...

Crack-eye Joe? Ba ha ha!!! That is hysterical.

Girl, you did 26.7 miles!! I don't even dream about running that many miles because it then,technically, is a full on, no holds barred, nightmare! Big Kudos!

The bride looks beautiful, but since this is your blog, you look effing gorgeous, and that blue color is amazing on you, you stylista! (That also goes for your super fabulous race attire, you give the expression "race ready" a whole new meaning)

RE: my algae beard...I too had to guffaw when I saw the pic. It looks like I was sniffing mold.

Happy Birthday!

RoadBunner said...

Happy Birthday!!

Congratulations! Major bummer about the chip :( I LOVE the photos of you and the graffiti!

I give you major props for doing a wedding the day before a freakin' marathon!

I wanted to meet up before the race but didn't even get into my corral until after it had been released :(

Great seeing you again at the expo, though!!

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

Such an overachiever. Had to go long (26.7) *and* turn into a triathlon ("run, swear, walk")

I'm glad you found a way to finish and (mostly) have fun. Best b'day celebration ever!!!!!

IronSnoopy said...

Oh man your schedule exhausts me. I have no idea how you churn out race after race. You are a machine!

I run like one marathon every 3 years and call it good.

LOVE the bubbles!!! You're a great friend. :)

Again, happy (belated) birthday, merry good times for the wedding and awesome, awesome hilarious marathon post. Congrats on another one under your belt.

Love the boa.

PunkRockRunner said...

Once again I was laughing until I was crying.

You have got the absolute BEST outlook on life and It was a real pleasure to have finally met you at the expo. Is my head really that freakishly large?

Congrats on another awesome race report and for finishing that god forsaken stupid marathon.

Oh, just so you know, 40 is the new 30.

All the best!

Ron

Stef said...

Great report as usual!

None of those girls look skinny in that photo. They all look like athletes -- including YOU!

Happy Birthday what a great way to celebrate!

Calyx Meredith said...

Happy belated birthday! Y'all had MUCH more fog than we did. I can't believe you ran the whole way in a boa! You are such a stud. Run Buddy looks GORGEOUS and sounds happy - which I think qualifies her as the perfect bride, lost bubbles or no. Way to stick out that marathon. I have decided that my first marathon has to be one you're running because only you can make a sufferfest look fun.

The Alien said...

Hi, I just found your blog from Penny's blog. I have to say your RR was hilarious to read.

I was also freezing my ass while crossing the bridge, I don't understand how could anyone enjoy that part of the race! Too bad I found out about you guys after the race, it would had been cool to meet some bloggers before the race.