"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Sometimes the abyss blinks

Hidey ho!

I have battled depression forever. I get reprieves, but it is something that is never not a part of my life.

Something that helps my depression is exercise, but ironically, it is the first thing to go when I start down that rabbit hole. Then I get all bitchy and defensive when friends, family, therapists, and shrinks suggest that I should exercise to help moderate my moods. (Aside: I fucking hate shrinks. H.A.T.E them.)

I wanted to write for awhile, but I just have not been able to yet. So here is my update of sorts.

I am fresh off a truly horrific foray into the world of modern psychotropic medications and their multitudes of debilitating and esteem crushing side effects. Here are the most distressing: 

1. I packed on 30 pounds in 3 months
Sadly, the end result of my weight gain was not this cute.

2. My hair started to fall out and it looked like I gave birth to a guinea pig every time I cleaned the shower drain.
The resulting drain hairballs were not this cute either

3. My skin broke out in a way that would make Seal feel sorry for me

Ok, I am kind of hoping I am cuter than this...

The best of all is that the high doses of lithium triggered hypothyroidism which exacerbated all of the aforementioned side effects. (Disclaimer: the lithium may or may not have not triggered the hypothyroidism, but I currently blaming my miserable, fat, bald, pock marked condition on my stupid, fucking shrink [SFS] so that is how I am reporting this)

After many discussions if I was going to have to go spend some time at "the spa" (yes, "the spa" with nice cushy walls, where they lock the doors from the outside.) ...

 ...finally the abyss blinked

(someone I adore once wrote that in response to Nietzsche's famous quote about "...when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you." I found it one of the most hopeful and beautiful things I had ever read about depression.)

I told my SFS that I wanted my thyroid tested and I wanted to come off all of my medication. I went back to Jenny Craig and started to really do their program, not Stacey's program. I started a running group for slow runners that meets several times a week and does hikes on Sundays.

So far I have lost 20 pounds on Jenny Craig. I am officially back to the weight where I would normally exclaim, "Holy fuck! I need to go to Jenny Craig!!" But, whatever, at least I am no longer pushing 2 bills on the scale.

No, those are not my toes, but yes, sadly, that was my weight. Jesus.

I am running again. Not as far or as often as I used to, but I am getting out there. Mostly I am making the decision that I do not have to have all of my problems worked out to start being happier and start being nicer to myself.

Mommy got a new ride!