Participant Report: Nike Women's Half Marathon - October 19, 2009

Or...

Why runners should NEVER walk a half marathon?


So I it is well known around here that I have been doing diddly shit as far as training goes and had fully expected to forfeit my registration for the Nike Women's Marathon. However, some 1/2 marathon registrations became available and my former run buddy decided to register. I was a little surprised at this since she is, in truth, training less than me and coma patients with conscientious PT therapists are training more than me right now, but I figured "what the hell? We can walk it. How bad can that be?"

13.1 miles is how bad it can be.

13.1 miles of

of watching runners line up and head out for the full marathon you puss-ed out on

of hearing people say, "God, we are so slow we are back here with the walkers!"

of having 20 fucking minutes go by and then finally seeing the next mile marker

of starting in the absolute last wave yet being passed by DROVES of people.

of being passed by droves of happy, peppy people that trained and deserved to be there.

of having the cops move you off to the sidewalks since the course is no longer officially open


Yeah, that is how fucking bad it can be.


I hereby vow that I will never do this again. By this, I mean show up to do an event that I did not train for and have no business being at. Not because I think it cheapens the experience of the event for other runners (fuck that, I am just not that selfless. Did you just meet me?) but because doing the work to get to an event is what makes me me enjoy it regardless how it turns out. Life it too short to spend 4 hours and 45 minutes (yes, a mere 15 minutes slower than my fastest full marathon) doing a fucking, miserable half marathon.

It is marathon season and I do not have a marathon planned. I am a ship with out a rudder. Someone help me.

I figure, if I am going to be overly dramatic, then I should go for it, no?

Scintillating Tales of Inactivity

Alright folks you asked for it! I am here to report

NOTHING

Absolutely

NOTHING

Before vacating the premises the vermin squatter gave me some sort of Flu of Death and I have spent the last 5 days sleeping. Now, before you assume I just was hankering for a little vacay from the cherubs (oh, and we have some LIVE ones this year. Fodder for many posts to come, no doubt) I went 3 of those days sans COFFEE. Yes, that is the Middle English sans (and yes, I had to look up the etymology. Shut up, G), as in WITHOUT. NOT. ONE. DROP.

As if that was not enough to call in the CDC, I also lost 8 pounds

I have found 4 back already lest you think I have gone all Kate Moss on your ass. Shut up. I am aware it would take more than 8 pounds to get our rubenesque RBR to Moss-esque status. Pointing that out is somewhat rude, by the way.

I must say that I am somewhat overwhelmed by the kind comments and encouragement I have received from you all regarding my current mojo-less state. I have said before, but not lately, how grateful I am to this community for inspiring, encouraging, and indulging this non-athlete in her athletic endeavors. You guys rock!

Better call the Orkin man...

During my unofficial and unplanned blog hiatus, I seem to have acquired a squatter and and no doubt the other assorted vermin that go along with such creatures, so I better come back and regulate.

I am incapable of linking to a region on a page (and yes, I tried. Whatever. Stupid html coder) Here is a screen shot of the soon to be eradicated platy-phobe. Really? Who is afraid of a fucking platypus? Maybe that is why he thinks I am a man, since I have a bigger set, and all.

I wouldn't want it giving my platypus fleas. (and no , G, you big pervo, 'platypus' is NOT a euphemism *eye roll* There is, seriously, something wrong with you)

Oh, and in some shocking news I RAN last Sunday!! I actually ran more than 4 miles for the first time in weeks.

I went running with a teacher buddy of mine that is training for her first marathon. She wanted to run 8 so I said, "sure I suffer like no one I know, what the hell."

And, yes I was SLOW, and yes, I suffered but mostly because it was hilly as hell and 90 f-ing degrees. However , it was great to get out somewhere beautiful and just run and chat with an old friend that I do not get to see too often.

Mojo still elusive, but looking more promising

It happens to the best of us...

Where, oh where, has little Miss RBR gone? What occupies her, historically, copious hours of blogging, and blog reading time these days?

Newly found love of crochet?
No, as weak ass and lame as it is, that would constitute a form of art, and RBR is as philistine as the day is long.

Internet porn obsession?
No, Glaven's hits alone exceed the allowable bandwith for Trannies_4_me_n_u.com so there is no room for little ol' me. (Didn't think I forgot 'cha did you buddy?)

Total and absolute burnout?
Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!

I have seen this phenomenon happen to much more impressive athletes than me (really, your average lawn bowler is a more impressive athlete than me, I digress...) but,

I hit the training/racing wall and I hit it HARD.

It was hard to come here and report, "I hate running, I hate biking, I hate swimming (ok, that is not hard to report since I ALWAYS hate swimming) and I feel like total dog shit." Plus reading about all of you doing awesome things was hard as well. So I just dropped off the fucking planet.

I am not sure if it hit shortly after Barb's Race or, more likely, 3 miles into San Francisco Marathon, but I lost the love. Let's review the time since my last post:

August 31st: Supposed to run the Inaugural Dirt Inspires Half Marathon. Woke up at 5, looked at clock, said "Fuck that", went back to sleep.

September 12th: Supposed to do the Triathlon at Pacific Grove (would have been my 5th year in a row and was my first triathlon) The weekend before, I thought "I really do not have ANY fucking desire to do that." So I did not.

Me in my new, uber-geeky t-shirt! A former student sent me the link. I LOVE it! I have a full blown, bat shit crazy, obsession with the duck billed platypus and all of my students know it.

I am now one of those people that pretty much only works out on the weekends and very slow, very short stuff at that. It takes HERCULEAN effort to get my ass out the door for these very infrequent, very piss poor efforts.

Run
My longest run since Barb's? 5 miles.
My average run length? 4 miles.
Number of times I run a week on average? Once.
Bike
Longest bike ride since Barb's? 20 miles
My average ride length? 16 miles
Average rides per week? 1.5
Swim
Longest swim since Barb's? 0 yards (that pretty much answers the rest of the questions)

I know I must be somewhat better, since I am back here, but...

I have lost my mojo. Has anyone seen it?

Anyone catch the number of that bus?

The one that hit me? And squashed me like a toad?

Christ. I made one fleeting appearance, read exactly 0 blogs and fell off the face of the planet again. I still have over 75 unanswered emails in my inbox from the Alaska trip. And the Google Reader? I believe that is a lost cause.

What kind of catastrophic event could cause such a melt down in the highly organized, meticulously efficient RBR lifestyle (stop rolling your eyes! It is rude)?

Seriously, what do you think would happen if I wore this to school? May be worth it.

Yes, dear friends, I am back at school.

I know some of you, *cough Lindsay*, are thinking "Suck it up sister! You just had 2 months off. Jet-setted to exotic locales like Idaho, Sacramento, Windsor, and Alaska. Lolled around on your ever expanding ass and put in some serious miles resting on your laurels. Put on your big girl pants and go back to fucking work!"

*le sigh*

The cherubs are back. And in even better news, with the MASSIVE-bend-over-and-take-it-like-a-good -little-teacher-Fuck-you-Arnold-Schwarzenegger-Terminator-wasn't-even-that-fucking-good California budget cuts, there are, on average, 25% more of them in each class. And I have about $1.12 per student FOR THE YEAR to teach them biology. For the record a frog costs $4.

(side note: I don't do dissection in class, but it is the only biology specific lab reference most people will get. *smiles politely* side note over.)

Superrific!

RBR, so bitter, after only 4 days of school. tsk tsk


Off to read some blogs. 17,569 of them according to my Reader. Christ, people.

I am BACK baby!!

Ok, so I am an ass for not remembering to post that I was going on vacay last week, but if you remember WAAAAAAY back to July 25-August 1, I did do some crazy shit right before I left so my brain was a little, umm... toasted, to say the least.

So where did little Ms. RBR jet off to for the last 12 days, you may ask?

ALASKA, BITCHES!!

Now you may be thinking Alaska? WTF?

Seriously? Not a very RBR-esque vacay

No, no, not THAT Alaska.

THIS Alaska

A Sea stack with a Bald Eagle nest on top in Kukak Bay, Katmai, AK.

To see these guys.

Melissa and her cubs (yes, the crazy fuckers that camp and live out there name them. No bear named 'Melissa' would eviscerate you, right? Ummm...she is still a fucking GRIZZLY bear, whack job!)

Link to hubby's pics. KATMAI BEARS He is working on getting them loaded so keep checking back they are AWESOME!

Yes, if you were wondering, we WERE that close. Scary, but fucking AWESOME!

We lived on this for the duration of the trip. Which explains my internet absence, no?

When was the last vacation you went on that required you to wear hip waders and you got to hold antlers left over from a wolf kill? Yeah, I thought so. I win the bad ass vacay contest.

It was an amazing trip, but I came home to 156 emails (most were trying to sell me shit. So, no, I am not nearly that important), my Google Reader just says "A whole fucking lot" new items, I guess it gave up counting, and I have to actually go back to work this week! Ain't THAT a bitch!

I will be desperately trying to catch up on your blogs while appearing to be paying attention during my hours of mindless, end of summer-beginning of school-let's bore the snot out of you so you forget all about vacation, staff meetings and trainings.

Race Report: Barb's Race 1/2 Iron Triathlon- August 1, 2009

Alternative title: A Tale of 3 PR's
(Oh yes, I went all Charles Dickens on your ass. I am feeling JUST that smug)


Official Stats:

Overall: 7:50:31 (Why, yes, that does make an 8 hour cut off if there had been one. Thank you for asking!)

PR: 1 hour and 32 minutes FASTER than last year at Barb's Race 2008, 39 minutes FASTER than Rage Out in the Treeless, F-ing Desert .... um, I mean Rage in the Sage Triathlon April 2009.


PR 1 - Swim 1.2 miles: 51: 56 (3 min FASTER than last year)

I honestly do not know why it was faster. I felt like I spent WAY too much time stopping and fiddle fucking around with my goggles, but, hell, I always say "do not look a PR horse in the mouth."

T1: 6:11 (2 min FASTER than last year)

Three words explain the VAST amount of time I spent here.

Serious. Wardrobe. Malfunction.

Let's just say that the 40-44 year old ladies in my general vicinity got more flashing than college boys at mardi gras. Eventually I got all of my parts covered and perched atop my bike and was off!

PR 2 - Bike 56 miles : 3:35:15 (43 min FASTER than last year)

I have to say I felt good from the very beginning of the bike. I had already decided that my run was probably going to suck no matter what I did on the bike so I may as well go balls out on the bike (Dude, G, it is a figure of speech *eye roll*) and that is what I did.

Elevation profile for Barb's bike course. 28oo' of climb

Upside of being one the of the slowest swimmers is that 1. I can very easily find my bike. It is the last one on the rack and 2. I don't get passed that much because, well, everyone is gone already. It is a little empowering actually. This time I got to pass some people and unlike last year where I was ALONE for almost 100% of the ride I was actually riding with people. I even almost caught LA Run Buddy and she is WAY faster than me and started in the wave 5 minutes before me. All in all a great ride for me.

T2: 6:33 (7 min FASTER than last year)

I came into T2 right behind LA Run Buddy and we stopped to stretch. She is having serious ITB issues and my knees and low back were feeling both the ride and last week's marathon. I had already planned to run (read: shuffle), no matter how slow, for the first mile to the aide station to get my legs back. We headed out together.

I didn't have my camera yesterday (see? I was going all hardcore!) so I am throwing in a random picture of us from last summer.

PR 3 - Run 13.1 miles : 3:10:34 (yikes, but still 37 min FASTER than last year)

My shuffle strategy was working and I felt pretty good for that first mile. I stopped at the port-a-potty and upon entering I found urine sprayed all over the toilet seat. A quick check to the left confirmed that yes, there was in fact a little urinal thingy in there. Filthy bastards.

RBR yells from port-a-potty: Boys are so gross!
Guy in port-a-potty next to me: We are. Sorry.
LA Run Buddy from outside: *cackle*
Guy from port-a-potty next to me comes out: I wiped the seat!

Boys, seriously WTF?!

(excluding port-a-potty boy because 1. he apologized and wiped the seat 2. he was hot and hot guys are forgiven for just about everything. I know, it sucks. Don't get mad at me. I don't make the rules)

We continued on, but after about four miles LA Run Buddy's knee was not having any more of the whole running thing and she sent me on. It was hard to leave her, but she knew I was trying to wash the stench of the Ironman CdA failure from my psyche and she was not exactly in love with me since I once again got her into a sufferfest. (Don't worry she will get over it. She always does. RBR is a tough habit to break)

About this time I ran into J who I met during the Cinderella training. We decided to shamelessly flirt with half dressed boys, um... errr.... I mean run the rest of the course together. I started to suffer about 7 miles in by 10 miles in I just followed behind J praying for it all to end. My knees and feet were toast, but I was happy that they lasted much longer than I had expected.

When we came in the clock showed the Full Vineman time and an error in calculations had me thinking I came in at 8:50, I was thrilled to discover that I was just an idiot, not ridiculously slow AGAIN and an idiot. 7:50:31 Sub-8 baby!

1/2 Iron PR for both me and J. Win-Win.

Hmm... seems a little less stinky around here.