"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The vile, the verminous, and the vacuous*

The little bastards got me sick again. I have only been sick once this year, and being as how high school teachers are second only to pre-school teachers and inner city needle exchange program volunteers in their exposure to an inconceivable number of pathogens, that is a bloody miracle (RBR now swearing in multiple dialects!)

However, I feel as if I must add, my snottastic self may be why I did not run this morning, but it is NOT why I have not run in a little over 2 weeks.  I did have gum surgery which was, in a word, FUCKED. (Shut up, G) But I am not sure why I have not run other than that.

Therefore, in the interest of getting my famously, fat fanny*: 1. less fat and 2. back out on the trail where it belongs, I thought I would out my lethargic self  (Again, shut it, G) on the old blog since it is here gathering dust.

In lieu of running, I offer you randomness...

Things I wish I had said recently....

1. "Wait, let me stop your blowing sunshine up my ass. If you are complimenting me as a way to segue into asking me to be on any committees, advisory councils, development boards, working groups, or planning boards the answer is...


But thank you for thinking of me."

What I actually said was: Sure. I can do that.  Fucking hell.

2. "Why, yes, I have lost weight, thank you for noticing. What? That is not what you meant by 'Man, you look tired'? My mistake. I thought you were a socially competent person."

What I actually said was: *awkward laugh* I guess I have been burning the candle at both ends.  *awkward laugh*

3. "Stepping closer to me and talking louder does not make you right. It makes you a fucking asshole, but it does not make you right."

What I actually said was: I guess we should agree to disagree. What a pussy I am *eyeroll*

4. "No, thank you, I do not want any today, but I would like to be able to enter the grocery store without feeling like I am selling children into the sex slave trade by not buying any of your fucking cookies."

What I actually said was: Sure. I will take 4 boxes. Fucking Girl Scout Gestapo

*My apologies to known self-blog title-loathing, alliteration hater, SQ.


trailturtle said...

HA! Love it.

So dedicated with your Sat labs (I still wish I had had YOU as my HS bio teacher)
After Diablo it is.
Get well/stay well, Ann

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I did have gum surgery which was, in a word, FUCKED

Things I wish I had said in response to that (but didn't):

"If the former [gum surgery] had involved teh total removal of all teeth, you'd have a better chance at getting the latter [FUCKED]"

... but, sadly, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!1! because I never would, especially since you specifically told me to SHUT IT!1!

So instead I'll just tell you what I actually said: "Hope you're feeling better."

And also?

Please don't kill me for quoting what HE said, because IT'S NOT MY FAULT!1! HE said it, not me!1!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

But seriously, feel better and GET SOME SLEEP!

funderson said...

I wish I'D said those things recently too!!

Keith said...

You need to pay me to walk around with you all the time. I would cheerfully say all those things for you, and more besides.

Something your blog does not make clear that might help straighten out your thinking. Are you being paid to be nice?

Then just say no. Then hang up or walk away. Even better, don't even stop or make eye contact with anyone you even THINK might be wanting to ask you a question.

Unknown said...

Another one for you to try -
Salesperson:"Excuse me ma'am, can I ask you a question?"
Me: "You just did! So f*ck off!"

Aka Alice said...

I think we all need to keep WWKD* in mind more often. I know I do too.

(all I know is Spring Break is way too fucking (there, I said it) late this year!!!)

*What would Keith do?

ThE MidLiFe CrUiSeR said...

A simple & concise " FUCK YOU" would have worked in all if those situations. Walk around your house practicing so it will roll off your tongue the next time the opportunity arises.

Uh, can I say I love your blog, & check to see if you post every day. (In this case, FUCK YOU would not be an appropriate response)


The Original MAJ said...

OMG. Lol. I almost peed my pants. As is typical when reading your blogs! I have hardly run in two weeks for a bunch of reasons too. Eeeeeek!

Can't tell you How many times I've wanted to tell someone the getting closer not making them an asshole line. Ha.

Jo Lynn said...

GAH! It's a terrible sickness going around. Mine lasted for 14 days!

Aileen said...

Girl Scout Gestapo!!!! Love. It.