I still can't even clean the fucking litter boxes (yes, boxes, plural. I am a crazy old cat lady in training) without feeling I am going to puke, but I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself. I was reading the blog of someone that has, let's say, a similar history to me and is going through a rough patch and I thought about what I have done when it got rough and "the easier softer way", seemed like the easier softer way.
I think about that last day.
That very last day. The day before, the one that I have celebrated for 17 years.
NOTHING in my life can ever be as hopeless as that day. I made it through that. I know can make it through anything. So what the fuck am I whining about?
"Oh, I am scared I'll do bad at my triathlon..."
Boo fucking hoo.
What if I am slow?
Newsflash RBR, you ARE slow. At your very fastest race you were dead fucking last and the one before that you beat all of 8 people.
What if I don't finish?
Do my sponsors drop me? Am I dropped from the Olympic team?
Uh, no. I go home and register for another 1/2. I have wasted $200 on FAR more frivolous ventures.
And let's be honest I am one of the stubbornest bitches I know. The odds of not finishing are slim. I have 17 hours to finish it for fuck's sake. I think I can handle it.
Time to put on my big girl pants (still love that one), grab a barf bag, and go clean my litter boxes.All four of them.
Yeah, I have too many cats.
p.s. Thanks to you all. I really appreciate the kind words. It helped put things in perspective. And Jane and Calyx, I DO feel better.
19 comments:
Yes!
Worst case scenario: you don't finish. So what? You may be disappointed but it's not the end of the world. You're right, Trek won't drop you.
Next scenario: you finish dead last. So what? finishing is finishing. I've been there enough.
Next scenario: you break down and cry during the race, but finish. So what? I bet Chris Maccormack cries on bad days.
Most likely scenario: you'll have some difficult moments, struggling through, wanting to quit at times, but not wanting to quit. Getting your second wind back, curse a little bit more, then happy that you finish. Then you can pig out because you will have burned thousands of calories!
Awww you are the best. Wasn't sure what to expect but this made me so happy. You rock chica. You are right. You will get it done!!
OMG this is great! Way to snap back and put things into a new perspective "F" word and all. Amazing.
I have four litter boxes myself but only one of them is for the cat. The others are for the bunnies. I want another cat but Glenn says no. Go figure. Who says 6 pets are enough???
From the other comments you are getting Barb's sounds like an awesome race! Cannot wait to read about it RBR you ROCK!!!!! Totally.
These are the posts I'm used to reading from you! YOU CAN DO IT!
There's my ROCKSTAR!
I commented, but it disappeared so here goes again...
You are one tough bitch with a great sense of humor...love it!!
Great attitude, girl. Go out there and give it your all...that's all you can do. You have nothing to lose and lots of peeps rooting for you :)
Whenever I feel whiny, I'm gonna come back and read this awesome post by you!!
You truly are a badass bitch and I find inspiration in you!
P.S. there is nothing wrong with being a cat lady!
Most excellent post! MOST EXCELLENT POST! When my ITB was tightening up and my bitch-o-meter was redlining during my recent long run, I looked up ahead and coming at me were three athletes in wheelchairs cranking and doing speed intervals. (Seriously, had they been going my direction they would have BLOWN by me.) They were rocking and I was whining. It stopped there. Sometimes we need those reminders of how it could be (or how it has been!) to help knock us out of the bad space. It was great to hear your determination loud and clear.
And that little fat kitty belly in the picture? MUST SNUGGLE IT. I sooooo miss having a cat in my life.
PS - KNEW the sailor talk would help!
I find shouting the F word helps in so many ways even when i'm running and think I want to stop. You can do it! Like you said you have been through tougher and rougher - you can handle it!
GO RBR GO!
I do hope you feel better. Dizziness and nausea are no fun!!!
It's like those slightly lame, but slightly inspiring Penguin medals say, "it's not that I finished, it's that I had the courage to start." Or something to that effect. While sappy, also true.
And the way I see it, we're all kind of in this together. I dunno. Maybe this whole blogging and running/tri'ing community has a bigger purpose than just, "OMG I finished a race." This is important to all of us because I think, on some level, we're here to get the strength we need to keep moving forward. We all believe in you. And, the rest of us need you to do this race. If you don't toe the line, who will inspire me to toe the line?
It's all about Lou.
I'm pretty sure I stopped making sense awhile ago.
RBR is still as eloquent as always. That's why we love her! As I always say, never use a clean word when a dirty word will do! Go for effect! Glad you are back in RBR form. Go kick that tri's ass now.
Atta Girl!
You'll finish! I can tell you are as stubborn as I think I am-you'll finish! I'm not worried about that...I'm worried about you cleaning your 4 litter boxes! I only have 2!
It's not looking good for San Fran! My body is rebelling and saying REST! My right foot started hurting again today-had to have the medic wrap it, then had to douse my hamstring with BioFreeze today at work! I'm hobbling-it's a fucking pitiful sight! But I'm not going to push it just to run across the bridge! I'd rather take 2 weeks off than 2 months! So having said that-I'm resting as much as I can-yeah 14 hour work days don't lead to me resting my foot and leg much-but I'm not running this week-and OH MY GOD it's hard!!!! I'm already going crazy and it's only been a few days!! I'm just so angry and irritated! But there is nothing I can do but let everything heal! Both mind and body! And of course once my body started to go so did my mind! I'm just a fucking bundle of crap right now! Down, depressed-still reeling from the asshole fucker ex who left me almost a year ago! The closer it gets to sept 13th the more upset and angry and pitiful I get! All I want to do is run and I can't!!!! FUCK!!! Thank god for my animals! I just wish my son was here!!!
As for my Winton-yes I just started him on sun Q's. Got a quick course at the vet last weekend-boy was that FUN! Wholly shit man he hated it! Never thought 4 paws could go in so many directions in search of flesh to dig nails into!!! But I was determined to try it at home because he really gets amped up at the vet-so this past weekend, with my dad's help because it is a two person job, I administered more fluid-SO MUCH BETTER!!!! Of course, I live by myself, so this weekend I might be trying alone! I've told my dad he may have to come down every weekend to help with sub q fluids! I knew the renal failure would eventually get him-he's lost so much weight, drinks water all the time but still eats, pees poops and sleeps by my side! But he smells-I just want to keep him comfortable! He's lived an amazing life so far-and considering he was given up and shoved in the shelter and rescued by me-he's lived longer than he would have! SO he gets all the comforts of a king!!! You never knew, the sub q's could work wonders!!!
I need sleep and a vacation!!! I need a life! But want to work and earn money! I'm a fucking wreck right now!! Sorry for venting!
OH NO! What a horrible feeling!! I truly hope you are feeling better. I LOVE your scenarios. I am slower than snail poo and I stress about races. For what reason I have yet to figure out. Call it my self-depreciating monster coming out. I admire your dedication and self-motivation. You can do it and I can't wait to hear all the awesome things about the race!
Umm, that IS a lot of cats. And great attitude - just get out there and try it. Pharmie and I are SO glad we did!!
And that's quite a scooter story - thanks for sharing!
Hey Stacey!
You know you can do it! Did you ever drive up to Guernville to check it out? If you did, you probably drove literally right past my house!!! And didn't stop! LOL
Anyway, you're just nervous...got some pre race jitters. Once that morning arrives, you're gonna rock it out and be just fine!! Its going to be GORGEOUS scenery up there! Is the swim in the Russian River? How fun!
Run, Bitch, Run! :)
Shelley
You are SO gonna rock that sh!t, girl! I KNOW it, and we will all be inspired by another awesome race report, the first half ironman of RBR.
Do it girl, make us proud!
LOL, you crack me up! I love your blog. I thought I had attitude, but you take it to another level. ;-)
I love it. You are just too effing cool. And you have cats. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That's ten more points in my book. ;-)
I love your honesty. I can respect people who say what they are really thinking.
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