"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Mother's Little Helper

I have not turned into the Valium addicted, 1960's housewife Mick Jagger was caterwauling about, but I have entered the world of psychotropic medications to get a little help. (Ok, I RE-entered the world of psychotropic drugs. Whatever. Damn attentive readers)

Vitamin V is no longer an option for me. Val and I had a brief love affair. Bitch turned on me.

I am sure, based on my last psychosis riddled post, that this comes to a shock to NONE of you, but I thought I would post about it anyway. When I went back to therapy I was very resistant to medication. This was primarily due to ego. I had been off anti-depressants for over 14 years and it felt like a giant step backwards to me.

A giant step backwards? That is pretty fucking hilarious. In the last 2 years I have mastered the art of sprinting backwards in my life and I was worried about taking some medication? Even I am stunned at the depth of my denial.

I did have reason to be concerned. The first time I was on anti-depressants I struggled with the medication changes necessary to find the right medication and dosage. The difference with this time is that back then I was a suicidal, self-mutilating, 21 year old cocktail waitress. It is not like there were high expectations on me. I had zero responsibilities and, frankly, people were shocked if I managed to shower and get to work on time. Now, I am a highly fucked up, but responsibility laden, 43 year old teacher. I can't really afford too many weeks of vacillating between stark raving mad and soulless, drooling zombie.

I asked Mr. RBR, he said "no" to 7 golden retriever puppies, so I was stuck going with pills. Stingy bastard.

Nevertheless, I started a week and a half ago. So far, other than headaches, I am feeling ok.

Running (I know, I know. This is supposed to be a running blog not a snivelfest, I will get to it)

I have done a couple of races recently that I thought I would do a piss poor job of reporting them.

Race Report: Muddy Buddy Run - San Jose 9-30-12

Total distance: 4.5 miles
Total Time: I have no idea. I did not wear a watch. The only thing I can assure you is that it was NOT fast. 
Total volume of mud in places you do NOT want mud: About 3 quarts, give or take.

This was my first "mud run". Mud runs have become popular with short run distances, obstacles on course, and the finish is after a slog through a mud pit. My TNT Run Buddy was my partner and her partner and her partner's brother were the other half of our team. (I know, it's confusing. Get over it. It is 2012)

The most challenging part of this run is that it happened on the hottest day of the year in a place that is known to devil as somewhere warm to visit. The run was 4.5 miles long (we originally thought it was 6 miles and were DELIGHTED to find out it was not. De-fucking-lighted, let me tell you). The obstacles were a fun distraction and mostly I loved them because you got to stop running. Due to freakish upper body strength I inherited from my dad, most of the obstacles were pretty easy for me, but then we had to run in the heat and hills again and that is where the suffering occurred.

By the time we reached the mud pit at the finish  (the only mud on the course which was a little disappointing for a "mud" run) I was so hot that I had goosebumps. I belly slid into the mud pit like a  pregnant hippopotamus. The cool water and mud was heaven.


I would have floated there in Hippopotami-like bliss until the end of time, but TNT Run Buddy's girlfriend jumped on my back in a sneak attack. Now, let me preface the next part of this by saying, I sometimes do not realize my own strength and TNT's girlfriend only weighs about 95 pounds even covered in mud, so when I decided it would be funny to flip her off my back and reared up, it threw her tiny ass about 5 feet taking out 2 other competitors and causing a HUGE splash of mud covering some the crowd. Oopsies. My bad.

Yep, I stole the proof. If I did not look like a actual mud covered hippo in the picture maybe I would pay for it. Sue me. (Just kidding MarathonFoto, please do not sue me)

Race Report: Nike Women's Half Marathon - October 14, 2012

Total Distance: 13.31 miles
Total Time: 3:08:45 (I should have a disclaimer here. I don't have one. I was slow as shit. *shrugs*)
Total # of people with canes/walking sticks that I dropped like a bad habit!: 2 (Oh yeah, sweet victory is mine! Suck it, bitches!)

After the last time I ran Nike I swore I would not be back. Not because there is anything wrong with the race per say, it is just too fucking big and with it being a point to point the transportation back to the start and the clusterfuck that is the finish area is, in my opinion, not worth it.

My opinion has not changed. I like the course. I like the women themed race. Other than that, meh, it is not for me. I ran with three really great women. We laughed and encouraged each other and finished.  <3>

The greatest gift I have gotten from running (and blogging about running) is the friendships. That is what brought me back to this place after all of this time. Friends, new and old, that reached out to me and that have been there for me through the darkness. 

Lola at Baylands this weekend. 2 miles, not bad for a prissy little chiwowwow that hates trail running.

Lola as a ladybug this Halloween (possibly the only non-slutty ladybug costume that exists)


IronSnoopy said...

Words can't describe how excited I was to see your blog at the top of my bloggy list of new things to read.

I've missed you, and I'm glad you're OK -- although if you want, I can nudge the Mr. about maybe three or four golden puppies if you'd like.

Nice to see you, muddy, headachey and all! <3

Kate Geisen said...

I love reading your posts, even more so when you sound like you're coming to a better place. And you're so right about run/blog friends. The majority of people I'm closest to now have all come to me as a direct result of starting to run.

Helen C said...

Yay Great to see you back and glad you are feeling better! Missed your posts

Unknown said...

Words cannot describe how glad I am that you're back and you sound like you're feeling better! Please don't leave us for that long again! On another note just wanted to let you know that our family recently adopted an English Springer Spaniel from our local SPCA. Best.Therapy.Ever! I love him to pieces!

SteveQ said...

My biggest problem with antidepressants was that four of my siblings take them - four different CLASSES of them, which sort of told me that none actually do much for them, when if any of them would listen to another person (ahem, therapist), they could get a handle on their problems in about 5 minutes [the first four minutes spent in denial, swearing]. Now I look at those same meds as being for beginners!

Glad to have you back. Lola too.

Carolina John said...

Yay you're still around! Do what it takes to feel better girl. I think we're going to have to put one of our kids on some focus drugs. We're really stressing about it too, so I know where you're coming from.

The Original MAJ said...

I'm beyond excited to see you here, not to mention thrilled as always with your honesty.

As I've blogged over the years, I've cringed when sharing certain details about myself because I was worried about what people would think of me.

You never do, and because of it, some of us don't feel so alone.

Thanks for having a pair of balls! LOL!

Lindy said...

hey old friend, glad to "see" you!!

Diana said...

Prayers and hugs!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I'm not exactly keeping up much with running blogs these days so I missed this post until now. Good thing I have a Google alert for women+mud+ladybug costumes+pregnant hippos.

I think it's probably pretty healthy not to want to go back on meds, but healthier still to be able to admit that, even though you don't want to, you probably should; to recognize that the alternative is worse, isn't working. It's a bit of a cliche to say that everyone sorta self-medicates in his or her own way, but I think it's kinda true. I think there are times I do it with beer. There are even some who, I hear, do it with running. You know - those foax for whom running is more an addiction than a sport or exercise. You know the type.

I'm glad to hear you're like me with running - i.e., you seem to hate virtually every minute of it. That's useful. Suddenly the humdrummery of boring old everyday tedium seems not so bad in comparison - seems preferable, even.

That's the one undeniable gift that running gives you: that hour or two of pain that makes you yearn for the inert boredom that you used to think of as pain. That and a healthy cardiovascular system.

Aka Alice said...

Add me to the long list of those who are saying "YAY...RBR IS BACK."

You have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. I have plenty of friends (oddly enough...many of them teachers) who take meds of one sort or another to manage depression. It's a good thing.

I'm with you on the Nike Women's Half... love the course, love the women's theme. Clusterfuck at the finish and the CROWDS...ruin it for me.

On the other hand, I am looking at the inaugural Nike 1/2 in Washington DC...hmmmmm.

Honestly honey...so very glad you are back and doing better. I've missed you and your blog.

eve said...

I can't say it better than your blog title. Hurray that you are back.

Willie said...

You were a cocktail waitress? Awesome, I always wanted to know one of those. :)

Teamdaub said...

Glad you're back! And doing better.

That ladybug Lola is adorable.

Unknown said...

I'm new to your blog but love the name !!