"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Ow, ow, ow...

You know the 40-something year old fat, bald guy that spends the vast majority of his time sitting in his recliner, drinking Pabst blue ribbon, and regaling anyone who will listen about his athletic prowess in the "big game" of 1987 and then goes out and gives himself a fucking heart attack in a touch football game in the park?

I am that guy.

Yesterday I was asked to speak at at meeting that has a little twist. You hike in, have the meeting, and then hike out.

Ok, cool, I like hiking.

Since the gal that asked me to speak knows I run she chose one of their toughest hikes for me to speak at. 9 miles, 1500' of climb

Still ok, I should be fine. It is hiking, right? Not like I am running or anything.

Well, skinny bitch and I show up (so sad that is becoming her moniker here, she really is a wonderful person whom I adore, but she is, in fact, a skinny bitch)

I present Exhibit A of her skinny bitchness

and I get introduced to the group. There has been a bit of an issue with the group and new people showing up that are not fit enough to hike, which makes the entire group have to wait to start the meeting, so I start to get the 3rd degree:

Uppity meeting member: So, RBR, this is your first hike?

RBR: Well, with this group, but I have done some hiking before.

Uppity meeting member #2: 'Some' hiking? You know this is a level 4 hike, don't you?

RBR: I am aware.

SkB (new code for Skinny bitch, it takes some of the sting out of it): Umm, RBR is a runner. She runs marathons and runs trails ALL the time. She will be fine. Back off.

side note: she is a bit protective and quite adorable. See why I love her?

Uppity meeting member #3: Whoa, maybe I won't have to wait too long by myself at the top. *Mr Ed horse laugh*

RBR thinks: Nope, not today asshole.

And with that it was on. Never mind I essentially took 7 months off, gained 20 fucking pounds, and just started to train again, these sons of bitches were not beating me to the top.

And they did not. *smug, if misguided, grin*

SkB and me at the top. FIRST, BITCHES!!

Nor did they beat us back, since we ran the whole 4.5 miles back down the trail. SkB may not be speaking to me today, (she was wearing hiking boots, and canvas pants, but is just as stubborn as me and was not going to let my 40 year old ass run back while her 26 year old ass hiked).

But wait! The idiocy gets better.

After I got back from the hike, I immediately went for a ride with LA Run buddy where we averaged 15 mph for 15 miles (for the record, we usually average 13-14 mph on the bike trail dodging baby joggers and geese, but today we were hungry and crabby and wanted to be done)

Oh no, we ain't done yet. When I do 'stupid,' I DO IT UP!

So then today, LA Run buddy and get up and run 10 miles at Baylands. I am hobbling around like I ran a goddamn marathon. Everything fucking hurts.

A lot.

I cut off the view behind us, but you will have to take my word for it, it was pretty.

10 miles in 1:52: 10 (11:12 min/mile)

All I can say is "Ow"


Anne said...


Southbaygirl said...

you are a rockstar and have never lost rockstar status!!! You go girl!!

And hey, Doesn't LA Run Buddy now live up there???? She might need a new name

Alisa said...

Take that bitches!

Willie said...

How do you spell hysterical laughter at your pain? Not sure how to type that emotion.
But seriously, where do you find these people?

IronSnoopy said...

How can you be in such pain and be so adorable? HOW? When I'm in pain, the whole damn world knows it by my face. I call "no fair".

Sooooo glad you beat UMM UP and DOWN the mountain.

You forgot to mention what you were speaking about. I'm gonna guess it was one of the Commandments, you know -- the one on not using the Lord's name in vain. BWAHAAAHA. *I'd hike 9 miles to hear that!*

Nice job on the entire touch football game, RBR. You're such a jock!

Cassie said...


Unknown said...

Way to make the weekend count!

Pam @ herbieontherun.com said...

Your posts never fail to make me LOL. This was no exception. :)

Anonymous said...

I absolutely LOVE your blog....and am soooo glad U kicked those uppity club members in the balls...jerk-offs!!

Trish said...

Dang girl! You got major game!

Carolina John said...

hiking biking running. that sounds painful. still, gotta love your efforts!

The un-Zen Runner said...

Way to kick Uppity Meeting Member #3's ass! What what his reaction to the severe ass beating?

Also, I saw your post below about the KOD and banana nuts. You crack me up! I think you should spray paint a message next to that so that is says "Kids of Death LOVE Miley Cyrus and Fuzzy koala bears." Or something like... :)

Generation X (Slomohusky) said...

Love reading your posts of spiteful runs. Makes me laugh.

trigirl82 said...

"Mr Ed horse laugh".. hahaha. Awesome.

And well done! Those snobby hikers can suck it! Ha!

Babbs said...

I don't know many hikers... level 4? Who knew? You are such a badass!

Christi said...

Been there done that! I can't take the snotty beetches so I always need to show them who is boss even if it kills me!

Maryland Girl aka Michelle said...

Aren't hikers supposed to be more of a mellow folk? Gee... I guess there are snobs in every sport. Hope the soreness evens out soon.

Diana said...

When the fuck did hiking get "levels??"
Way to kick some ass RBR! Loved this post, your sense of humor is the same as mine-SARCASM all the way sister!
You would totally ROCK the kettlebell world!!

Enjoy the couch today! Fuck it-eat a ding dong or two today!

PunkRockRunner said...

So, we go for months with no blog posts and now, I look away for a few days and you've got like 100 updates. This must be your marathon post pace.

FYI - There's a swell little SF Giants Half Marathon on June 12 that all the cool kids are running (and me). Just throwing that out there.

Nice hike/ride/run.

Oh, and I'll have you know that the IMCDA nightmares have started. neat.

All the best,


SteveQ said...

Wow, are we cut from the same cloth, or what? Saturday I'm doing 31 miles with 6000 feet of climb and I can barely walk as it is.

11 minute miles on that hard a trail? Badass.

SteveQ said...

Guess I should've read a little more carefully - so the 10 wasn't the hike. I was trying to figure out why your fat PBR drinker had to be bald - that's just cruel to those of us whose dihydrotestosterone levels are alarmingly baldness inducing.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

You hang out with chicks who take 10 mile hikes into the wilderness to have "meetings"? What kind of fucking weird-ass Wiccan coven are you pledging to? And what kind of weird-ass Sapphic behavior do they engage in out there in the wilderness? You glossed right over that part (aka, the GOOD part).

So ... describe! And ...


Lindsay said...

i love that you beat all of those trail-regulars!! that was just awesome.

the bike ride and run, coulda done without. :)

Beckey said...

You are awesome.

Running Through Phoenix said...

Wish we had meetings like that here. We stay indoors and hover around AC. At least we don't smoke anymore.

Jo Lynn said...

That sounds like a GREAT two days to me. ;)
That chick is skinny! Bitch.

Christina D said...

Rockstar Biotch!! ;)

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Two days since your last post? That description of the Sapphic Revels of the Wiccan Cult you're pledging - which I can only assume is what you're currently working on - better be pretty fucking graphic if it's taking you this long!1!

Hey, somebody over at SQ's blog (it may have been me) seriously implied (I think it was me) that you have a penis! (Come to think of it, it was me!)

You're not gonna take that lying down (as it were), are you?

Formulaic said...

First, You ARE a BADASS!

Second, levels on a hike? Are we talking Tour de France or some crap?

Bitch #3? What happened to 1 and 2?

Lastly, so this meeting? what kind of speach did you give?

Last;y (I know) = You are a bad ass!

Regina said...

hike bitch hike! Damn, take no prisoners. I like it!

Now...rest and go easy on the people.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

There are worse things than turning 50. For instance: Not turning 50. Because the only real alternative to aging is ... being dead.

I'll take fifty¹.

You know the 40-something year old fat, bald guy that spends the vast majority of his time sitting in his recliner, drinking Pabst blue ribbon, and regaling anyone who will listen about his athletic prowess in the "big game" of 1987 ...?

Know him? I fucked him just last night!

Another good thing about turning 50: You lower your standards re: acceptable sexual partners.

But seeing as you're always coming on to SteveQ, it seems you're already there at forty!

Ooooo! KERTWANG!1!
¹ That's what she said!

SteveQ said...

Just to make you angry: I checked the photo of SkB, looking for a wedding ring (inconclusive).

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I believe you meant to say that picture made your oviducts hurt ...

Just stopped by to deliver a virtual oviduct-punch ...

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

*Smooches* for my hurt shoulder this morning? Awwww, thanks, B*tch!

I forgot to tell you that I also caught my wiener in my zipper this morning after peeing.

What're you gonna do about it?

(Did I mention I caught it 27 separate times? Depending on your response, I'm willing to catch it a few more times, too.)

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

O, I might as well also mention that I AM SUCH A FUCKING PIG!1!


(But really, my wiener HURTS. You should see how swollen it it. I'm laughing despite the pain.)

SteveQ said...

Does it help any that you were in a dream I had last night... and I'll never again look at the dumpsters behing Taco Bell without getting misty-eyed?

SteveQ said...

@G: Why is it no surprise that you laugh when you look at your p*nis and the emotional pain it brings?

Anonymous said...

Ha~ you two are badass bitches....and hot ones at that. Sorry, couldn't help myself. ;) I love stories like this where people's attitudes make them look like jack asses! Way to go girl!