"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Monday, March 29, 2010

A personal best!

Last week I reported that I would be returning to the hallowed halls of Jenny Craig it to attempt to shave *mumble mumble* pounds off my generous derriere.

Upon entering the office I was greeted by the staff with "RBR! So good to have you back!"


Yes, I get a Cheers-esque greeting at the local weightloss center.

Me and my perky little consultant, who weighs less than my right thigh and is approximately 22 years old (just ONCE I want an old, fat-ish consultant that does not make me feel like the hunchback of Notre fucking Dame) Anyhoo... we head back to the Room of Doom that houses the torture device that we women hang our all of our self worth on,

the fucking scale.

We will call my consultant, Ms. Perky Tits, 'Jenny' for this portion of the post because 'Ms. Perky Tits' is just mean and too long to type.

Ms. Perky Tits, errr.... I mean, Jenny: So, hon, what brings you back to Jenny Craig today?

side note: I do sooooo adore when people half my age and weight refer to me as "hon"

RBR thinks: Well, sugarlips, I was soooooo happy with my body shape and weight that I thought I would swing on by and gloat in front of all your fat ass clients. Isn't that what most people usually come here for?"

RBR says: Well, *rubbing my own fat ass* I found a few pounds I lost here before and I wanted to give them back

Jenny: *giggle, head tilt* Awwww. Hop up on the scale, hon, and let's see where we are at today.

Dreaded, stupid, fucking JC scale: [censored]

RBR: *gasp*

Jenny: *gasp*

Mathematicians that have never seen numbers that large: *gasp*

Astronauts in outer space that can undoubtedly see my ass from there: *gasp*

RBR attempting to keep from dying of embarrassment: *throws arms up in a victory V* We have a personal best!

I just finished my 47,000th first week of JC. Weigh in today at 3:40. I will keep you posted


Alisa said...

I'm not sure what to put here--I want to give you an LOL but don't want it to be misunderstood. Not LOL at JC but LOL that you just wrote a freakin' hilarious recount of what we've all seen at JC or WW.

Formulaic said...

Ditto Alisa!

Too funny for comments but laughing with you not at you.

Or Really..."You are fucking hilarious!"

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Hahahahahahaha! That was AWESOME, and funny!

the fucking scale

There's a fucking scale? Does it measure how well you fuck? I've never done it with a scale before, but I'm willing to give it a try just to prove to the world how objectively good I am, because I'd give that scale TEH RIDE OF ITS LIFE!1! And I wouldn't call it the next day, either, because when you're as good as I am you can be a total DICK like that!1!

Seriously, good luck with the JC, and if Perky Tits gets on your nerves again, just SIT on her!1!

Hahahahaha!1! Totally kidding, sister! Please don't sit on me!

Seriously ... How's the hub's treatment going? Still sending good thoughts your way about that. But I'd really like to hear an update every once in awhile.

Take care, sister!

Aka Alice said...

Laughing along with ya (hopefully), but seriously I get annoyed when cute, young, things call me "hon." I mean I get to call people "hon" now that I'm past 40...I figure I freekin' EARNED it...you, lil' miss 20-somethin? See me in a few years...GAH!

PS...sorry about the English'y intros in your science papers... We really don't tell them to write that way...I swear we don't.

Regina said...

Like the question needs to be asked, "what brings you here?" oh God. Unreal.

Missy said...

Hahahaha, want me to punch Jenny for ya, I totally will! ...OK her name is Jenny and she works at Jenny Craig. You really need to milk that the next time you see her.

Carolina John said...

wow, you have such a good attitude! being able to laugh at yourself is very endearing.

i bet your next personal best is going to be a bike split.

Glaven should be used to fucking inanimate objects by now.

RockStarTri said...

The only thing worse that a 22 yo perkinatrix at the weigh in site is the the 83 year old that can't even read the numbers so you have to say them out loud. Good job going back - it is the road to success.

Running Through Phoenix said...

Great post! LMAO!! Thanks for the self-deprication, makes me feel a little more normal.

TammyRunsWV said...

At least you go back and keep trying! Lol, I tried Weight Watchers once and didn't lose a pound. Right now, I'm doing ediets.com, which is working out very well for me because it actually tells me what to eat everyday. Apparently, I am incapable of making such decisions and need a website to do it for me. Good luck!

Babbs said...

After I explained to my running partner that I lost 65 pounds about three years ago... and have regained 15 of which I am currently trying to terminate... his response "You're still a big girl, hard to imagine that much more weight on you." I feel your pain, "hon."

Jo Lynn said...

You are so funny! I love it! Really, she asked what brings you back? I mean, really? Wow.

Thanks for your supportive comments on my blog. You don't know how much it means to me. I will be taking you up on your offer in a couple of weeks. It will probably be on a Sunday night. I'm not sure how much training you're doing these days. Send me an email and let me know. xoxo ;)

SteveQ said...

Hey, Quasimodo wasn't fat! Stop bad-mouthing the posturally-challenged!

Now, if the Cheers greeting was "Jabba!" then you'd have to worry.

So... biggest number I know is Aleph-1, the second transfinite number (friggin' Cantor started with Aleph-0). That's kinda large.

Gasp. (Joining the collective gasp)

Hey, Now, So...Gasp. That's sex talk for me. And after your declaring you truly truly love me on my blog, I'd reciprocate, but then I'd have to type: crazy, dead, crazy and dead, evil and unavailable.

Anonymous said...

oh wow....LOL...DAMN!!!....LMBAO!!!

SWTrigal said...

Wow-I hate that scale too! You are so funny..way to get back at it..

Herself, the GeekGirl said...

Cha - I joined a "biggest loser" club in january, and I won't censor it, it was 178 pounds. Now, granted, that's at least partially muscle, but still, my size 14 (at the time) ass is not full of muscle. So anyway. I stepped on the scale and before she could stop herself, the lady writing down our weights peeked over and said, "oh, you do not weigh that much!" Um. thanks?