Self Sabotage

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 22:34

Self Sabotage

Accountability

I am beginning to think Tracy is right about our subconscious desire to sabotage our weight loss efforts. Last weigh in I was at 132.4, up 1.2 from my all time low the week before of 131.4 and it was TOM. Goal was now feasibly attainable for the next weigh in.

Therefore this week, I have been hyper-vigilant about my food and exercise. Wednesday I weighed at home at my goal weight of 130.0 (BAN in the morning), yesterday morning I weighed 129.5 at home (again BAN), and this morning I weighed 129.5 (home BAN). So since I now weigh in Saturday morning at JC as close to bare-ass naked as I can legally get away with, I had a real shot at reaching goal at JC this weekend.

Note that I said "had."

So with goal so close, why did I let myself get so hungry by skipping lunch that when I agreed to go to a late lunch with my friends I STUFFED myself at Chevy's? I had decided yesterday that I was going to sushi to eat my beloved Golden Bell Roll, which meant I was choosing it over Chevy's today. I even told my friends that I wasn't going to go to Chevy's or if I did I wasn't going to order, but then not only did I order, I STUFFED myself until it hurt.

So needless to say, reaching goal tomorrow is most likely not going to happen.

I know, I know, it is about a lifestyle change not a number, blah, blah, blah...
I have said it and meant it to countless people. But the reality is the goal does matter to me and I have been losing and gaining these same 3 pounds for a few months now.

Am I afraid to reach goal?

Really it isn't even my true goal. When I went to JC this time I was afraid to put the weight I really wanted because I was afraid I would fail at this yet again. I am 5' 2.5" and even with a large frame size (according to a frame size calculator that I found posted on Tracy's blog. I know it isn't 100% accurate, but I am pretty damn sturdy. "Built like a brick shit house" is what my dad calls it. ) I know I could pull off 120-125 if I was fit. So my 'super secret plan' has been to reach goal at JC (finally get my 35% rewards discount) and then change my goal here to 125 and keep working at it.

I guess I could change my goal now, but I really want the extrinsic reward of hitting my original goal and then choosing to continue. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but it is how I feel.

So the Reader's Digest version of what I just bored the snot out of you with is: I am disappointed with myself.

Exercise

none. Rest day
I am running tomorrow morning after weigh in. 3 or 4 miles

Food

Breakfast
(1) English muffin
coffee
(2) JC French Toast plus banana
coffee

Snack(s)
apple
snack pack of dried mango
snack pack of dried plums

Lunch/Dinner
Chevy's Chicken Fajitas
>All of the grilled chicken
>All rice and beans
>3 flour tortillas (yes, I had to ask for more. They only give you two)
>~1 tbsp. of sour cream
coffee

Snack tonight
none