"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Now we don our gay apparel.....

Alternative title: She's Baaaaaaaa-ack!

Pink Run Hat? Check! 

I had to make a more major commitment to get myself moving for more than 3 miles at a shot on the treadmill a few times a week, which has been pretty much the totality of my running for the last 5 months. I decided to rejoin Team in Training (yes, G, the tranny shot was just for you) for a third season to train for the Portland Marathon in October. 

I could not get back into my running and I could either tell myself that it was ridiculous that after so many marathons I could not train on my own (which just results in me feeling bad about myself and STILL not running enough) or I could get some help. I chose to get help from a group that has worked for me before and that raises money for a great cause that I believe in. So there it is. 

On Saturday, I ran 5 miles, outside without stopping. I was really proud I could do it. It has been a long time since I have gone that far without walking.  I did not want to write that because I was getting caught up in where I have been previously with running. Didn't I run a 50K last October? Who gives a shit about 5 miles? 

I do.

I have always believed you have to take your wins where you can get them. You start from where you are, not where you were, or where you want to be. I have done some pretty cool (and frankly shocking) long distance running.  Does that mean I do not get to be proud of myself again until I run 35 miles? Fuck that. I am more of an instant gratification girl. I would rather be proud now.

Ok, so RBR, where the hell have you been? 

I won't spend a bunch of time making excuses for why I have not been posting, but I will show you one major reason: 
Introducing Michael Quinn!  

Obligatory Baby Stats (which no one really cares about, but you have to post because, duh, 'obligatory') 

Born: April 28 at 1:15 pm
Weight: 9 pounds 1.5 oz (that is 4.13 kg for our Canadian friends)
Length: 21.25 inches
Method: C-section a mere 41 HOURS after her labor was induced.

Yes, you read that last part right. 41 fucking HOURS after her labor was induced, young Michael who was already two full weeks passed his due date, had to be ripped from her stomach in a procedure reminiscent of Luke Skywalker's Han Solo's evisceration of the Ton Ton  Tauntaun in Star Wars. (UPDATE: strikethrough edits due to Joja Jogger's superior Star Wars knowledge database. Umm... I am not sure I would around bragging about that one, darlin' :) )

 Ok, this is an actual  groom's cake for a wedding. It brings up so many questions, not the least of which is, "who the fuck would marry a guy that insisted on a cake with a dude entwined in a fictitious creature's intestines at her wedding?"

LA Run Buddy is now the poster child for birth control, adoption, abstinence, or selling your children into slavery. God help the little bastard if he ever forgets Mother's Day. I am just saying... It was horrific. 

He is cute though. Here is the He-baby sucking 'em back at the local Starbucks. 

A brief observation about newborns from RBR 
Titled: "Shit a new mom can not say about the reality of newborn babies without sounding like a monster, but RBR can say because she is already known to be a bitch."

Newborn babies are patently NOT fun and they are not nearly cute enough for how unfun they are. They scream a frantic  "Help me I am dying and your incompetent ass can not figure out what I need to save me, you worthless excuse for a mother" scream.

They do this ALL. THE. TIME. 

Before feedings, after feedings. Before, during, and after diaper changes. (For the record, when the nurses came to give him two vaccines, and gouge out a chunk of his little pink heel to get blood samples, Master Michael did not make a peep. Four minutes later when his exhausted and loving parents tried to change his diaper he let out a wail that had even his grandmother dialing child protective services. Fucker.)

Then there is breastfeeding. I am sure that all of the readers that do not have children believed, like myself, that you put baby on boob, baby eats, take baby off boob. Simple dimple, right? I mean, it is a basic mammalian function for Christ's sake. 

Uh, no. That is NOT how it works. How it works is that two nurses and a lactation specialist are required to teach mom and baby how to nurse. Seriously? Teach a baby to nurse?! No wonder there are people that do not believe in evolution. And this teaching process is not a one shot deal. You fight with the little sucker (pun not in intended, but I had already called him a 'fucker' and it was funny so I left it) for like the first couple WEEKS of his life to get him to eat enough to NOT DIE. Oh and you know the thing about boobs? They do not have a neat little measurement tool on the side to tell you how much Junior has actually eaten so he could look like he is nursing away and actually not get enough nutrition to sustain life!  No pressure, Mom! You know what has a nice little measurement tool on the side and is VASTLY easier for the baby to get milk out of? A fucking BOTTLE! *gasps of horror from all the crunchy granola, midwife loving, birthing tub advocates*

CGMLBT Advocates: Bottles are the devil! It destroys the mother child bond! It gives them 'nipple confusion'

RBR: He just spent 43 weeks in her stomach, she controls his access to food and shelter. And later a cell phone plan with an adequate amount of texting allowed. The bond is fucking fine. Let's not starve him now. And nipple confusion? Maybe if he is that stupid that is something we should know now.

Sorry, but goddamn. Watching my best friend fall apart and feel like a failure as a mother because he could not latch or he lost more weight than he should, and having each feeding take one and half to two hours when feedings are two hours apart (meaning she had to start over almost immediately after finishing the last feeding) was awful.

He is better now. Still not what you would call 'fun', but everyone says that is on the horizon. I will believe that when I see it.



16 comments:

Lisa said...

hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahah

SteveQ said...

Welcome back!

Dang. Someone stole my ton ton groom's cake idea. Guess i can't get married until I can one-up the bugger. Something with gangrene or ebola, maybe.

(43 weeks?! The only thing I'd carry that long is a grudge.)

Looks like I'm being forced back into 5K'er mode myself. Hard to imagine you have one of those in your neighborhood enticing enough to lure me out there, though.

Karen said...

Ha ha ha ha ha... Thanks for the laughs.... Just found your blog from Lisa ... And you have just made three girls from the UK chuckle a lot. Thanks! Good luck with the newbie, looks well cute!

Keith said...

I've said all my life, or since high school anyway, that exposure to a new born, somebody ELSE'S newborn, is the best contraception device there is. And people wonder why I don't have kids.

JojaJogger said...

Welcome back!

Actually it was Han Solo who did the eviscerating of the Ton Ton.

I have no kids, so I'm only qualified to comment on the Star Wars reference.

Great job on the 5 miles and good luck with the TNT training.

Kate said...

I will be copying your line about being proud of that 5 miles and making it part of my next blog post, because that is exactly what I decided (am trying really really hard to believe and internalize anyway) about my very slow path to mountain biking competence.

I'm glad you're back. I've missed your "no she did-int" comments and observations. In addition to all the other breastfeeding fun, don't forget the fact that it feels like someone is using sandpaper to rip your nipple off.

Alisa said...

Yay you're back and you're coming to MY city in October. I'll be out there cheering as several of my friends are running. Would love to meet up?

SteveQ said...

Just a line from an old book I'm reading: "A weed is a plant out of place. I find a hollyhock in my cornfield, and it's a weed. I find it in my yard, and it's a flower. You're in my yard." - Jim Thompson.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

That's a really flattering angle you took that picture from - assuming it was your intent to make yourself look like a 9-year-old boy. Where are your breasts in that picture? Have you been suckling young Mickey Quinn on the side? Because you look positively drained from the effort!

Hahahahahaha! Guess I haven't forgot how to be a dick in your absence, either!

But, seriously, I have biggest tits than that. (But I'm a 51-year-old American male, so that's only to be expected.)

Good luck training for your marry.

And welcome back! Just seeing your picture reminded me how much I have been missing ... pancakes!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am SUCH a dick!

lindsay said...

man! does this make me want to have kids or what!

Ewa said...

You are 16 years late with this post. I needed to read it when mine was born. What took you so long?
Still I believe babies ARE cute, it is when they become teens the real "fun" starts. Good luck. :)

Herself, the GeekGirl said...

Yeah. I weaned my kids after five weeks of sore nipples and it ruined em for life. I admit it. Meanwhile, glad to hear from you again. Remember my maxim, hard, long labor + carefully nurtured low threshold of guilt + carefully nurtured strong work ethic equals iPad for mothers day. Of course, in 18 years I imagine it will be flying cars. Whatever. It's about time you came back from the dead!

Aka Alice said...

Everything you say is true...and I have kids...and I thank you for saying it.

C-Section after a 41 hour labor... Yep... LARB's a goddess! I too, am thankful for C-sections and modern medicine having had a C-Section after only 16 hours of labor. In earlier times, women and babies died--not to be morbid or anything, but this is what occurred to me after my first when it because clear that the little darlin' was NOT gonna come out on her own...I mean, have you SEEN THE SIZE OF MY KID'S HEADS?

I also found babies to be decidedly unfun. They are way more fun now that they're teenagers. They make me laugh now (and sometimes it's not just at them).

Aka Alice said...

PS...glad you're back!

Willie said...

You said nipple confusion.

Regina said...

Newborns are ugly, there is no getting around it. Even mine was. They're all scaly and weird looking, especially if they came out the old fashioned way. I had a similar labor and delivery to LARB.

Breast feeding is a bitch at first; getting that latch on just right, the bleeding and soreness, ugh? However, once you get it, if you can," have food will travel". It was way more convenient than taking bottles. You just whip one out and dinner is served!

Tell your friend not to feel badly. I spent the first 6 months crying in the shower each night (it was the only place I could be alone). It will get better. Then it will get worse when they get a mind of their own...at 2....and 3....and 4......and 5.........