"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

It is an honor just to be nominated....

And the Teacher of the Year award goes to....


*the crowd goes wild*

This was my fourth nomination in 11 years of teaching.

I have never won.

Yep, I am the Susan Lucci of my school's 'Teacher of Year' Award.

 Susan Lucci played Erica Kane on All My Children for 41 years. She was nominated for an Emmy 18 times before she finally won in 1999. She started on the show at 24 years old. I had to check my math on that, like, three times. Holy Shit! I certainly hope she had cosmetic surgery to look this fucking good at 65. If not, we know who you will find perched next to Satan ruling Hades.

I will be honest two of those times there were such more deserving teachers that even I voted for the winners (Ok, if I am REALLY honest the guy that won this year really deserved it, but you know what? I voted for my fucking self anyway. Sue me), but one of those years I lost to a complete ass wipe and that one still stings.

That particular Teacher of the Year is now a low level administrator at my school. All of his gratuitous ass kissing garnered him the worst gig in administration. Even I can make his life miserable and I have about as much juice in the educational hierarchy as the dude that repaints the panther logo on the front of the school during the summer. So, at least I can bitterly cling to that. *smirk*

The real reason I want to win is that they give you a "crystal" apple that is engraved with 'Teacher of the Year' and your name. It sits on your desk, quietly and unobtrusively telling all that see it that you rock and they can just suck it. It is like a marathon t-shirt that you can 'wear' on your desk everyday.

Sorry if that offends you. If you were thinking that I was not shallow or vain you have not been reading this blog very carefully.

It probably cost $20 and is mass produced in some third world country by enslaved children, but I do not care. I want one, damn it.

Random musings in lieu of any real news:

1. I am considering doing a nutritional "detox" to clear out the remnants of 2010 (IMHO, it is a lot of voo doo BS with a small dose of science thrown in, but at least the one I am considering won't hurt me. Carefully check out any of these 'cleansing' products or programs. Anything that makes you shit neon green 15 times a day for 10 days is NOT good for you no matter what the Barbie doll on the infomercial says)

I also want to cut back on the overly processed so called "white" carbohydrates that I adore so much and that make up at least 90% of my diet.

I am a carbivore of the highest order. Supposedly cutting the amount of carbohydrates (esp. highly processed carbohydrates, like say Hostess pies and Lorna Doone cookies...) in your diet helps regulate blood sugar, fat accumulation (nerdy literature link on fat cell maturation), and level out moods (More nerdy links 1. CHOs and brain chemistry 2. CHOs and depression (specifically SAD) .

At this point, I am willing to bite the head off a fucking chicken if it will help me shake even some of the batshit crazy off of me and, hell, if I can shave a few pounds off the ol' derriere in the process, win/win.

2. I am sick to fucking death of the Pseudoephedrine Law. (Pseudoephedrine (PSE) is the only nasal decongestant, short of  mainlining epinephrine, that works worth a a shit. It is an essential ingredient (in my opinion) in cold and allergy medicine.)  This law was tacked on to the Let's take away all civil liberties under the guise of "protecting freedom"  Act (also known as the Patriot Act). It's goal was to fight the war on methamphetamine production (PSE can relatively easliy be converted into methamphetamine. I say 'relatively' because it takes some pretty serious chemicals and heat to accomplish this and you can be assured that anytime you hear an explosion in a trailer park it is some meth freak vaporizing himself and his miserable existence off the planet. To wit I say. "good fucking riddance")  

Anyhoo.... this law limits the purchase of PSE to the equivalent of ten 24 hr pills per day and up to thirty 24 hr pills for a month AND makes it so you must go to the pharmacy counter to get it. This means that I have to return to the pharmacy every 10 days, stand behind 754 old people (I am sorry, that was not very PC, I mean 'youth challenged' people) that are complaining to the pharmacist about the price of hemorrhoid cream to get some goddamn decongestant.

I am the reigning Snot Queen.  I often need more than one 24 hour pill to continue breathing all day. I can currently buy Vicodin, Oxycontin, and Viagra without a prescription easier than I can get 'over-the-fucking-counter' allergy medicine.

The meth dealers, by the way, are still churning out meth as fast as they make toothless zombies of their clientele. They just have to be sneakier about it and that raises the price of meth. I am sure that won't effect crime rates at all. When drug addicts need money for drugs they always find legal ways to do it, right?

I wonder how effective meth is for congestion? I bet I can get a month supply of that in one purchase. Fucking assholes.

Lola Update - Trail Dog Project: Day 1

Ok, so maybe my prissy, little chihuahua mix is not the most logical choice for a trail dog. On Sunday we attempted our first trail "run." Run is a bit of an over statement, and from her first tentative steps off the sidewalk onto the uneven trail, her face looked like this:

"For the love of all that is holy, please pick me up!" -Lola

Her new campaign slogan for Couch Dog of the Year: Lola! Shorter than grass!

Then she would occasionally stop dead in her tracks in an attempt to make it all end. Unfortunately my tiny canine friend did not pay attention in physics class, because her 5 lb ass was no match for my *mumble mumble* pound ass.

Momentum = mass • velocity

My velocity may not have been for shit, but my mass more than made up for it. This caused her furry little body to skip along behind me, her ears pinned back in a petulant pout. On a downhill section I even got a little 'yip' as she was jerked back into motion by her harness.

Rough day for Lola.

"Can we go home now? My stories are on." - Lola

Some pictures from the family outing to the beach

"Sand smells. Pick me up now." -Lola

"Still hate her. In case you were wondering." - Lucy

One last bit of non-news

We had some issues with the hair. This is the new me for a while at least.

The blond streak is natural from a scar on my scalp. It does not take color well and we were trying to just cover up some really fucked up issues and protect it from further damage. I was not intentionally going for the Lilly Munster look. Upside, I have finally stopped gasping in horror when I see myself in the mirror and I have not cried about it since, well, yesterday.


trailturtle said...

["It sits on your desk, quietly and unobtrusively telling all that see it that you rock and they can just suck it."]
Hmmm...somehow I'm having a hard time associating something that is "quiet and unobtrusive" with RBR :)))

Rock on Fav' Teach'! and I hope you get one of them Apples before you are amongst the "youth challenged." :)
And Happy Easter. Enjoy your break. I'll be sending you some pics. And get some sleep for a change! Ann

SteveQ said...

I would've been first, but I read the scientific links.

Nominated 4 out of 11 years for best teacher? Not too shabby!

The hair? Ummm, well, most of it looks right (for the record, in all of your race photos, I find myself thinking: hat=brunette, no hat=blonde) and I can't say any more as I'm rapidly becoming the dreaded bald-guy-with-ponytail that I said I'd never let happen.

SteveQ said...

Oh, and to make things worse, I posted a recipe for cookies, o carb queen.

SteveQ said...

And here's some bad plastic surgery:

Pam @ herbieontherun.com said...

Dude, I LOVE the blonde streaks. It looks awesome and totally intentional. Really? A scar on your head does that?

I had mine done exactly the opposite a few years ago. It was blonde with a couple of dark streaks at my face.

Julie said...

Oh my god you make me laugh...and the reminder that my crappy mood lately may well have to do with my crappy diet lately was much appreciated.

And I <3 Lola..

IronSnoopy said...

If you put a real apple on your desk for the entire school year, it will shrivel up like a shrunken head and might have the same effect on folks. Just brainstormin'.

Too bad we can't vote for you. :-)

Love the hair! And the pup, although tell Lucy she's still *my* favorite and not just because I have Lucy with the same white face.

Loved your post!

Aka Alice said...

I could do the grey/white streak...but I don't think it'd be just in front...oh never mind.

I hear you on the Teacher of the Year award. Never got it. Never even nominated. Jealous as all get out. You will get it one day because you are kick-ass awesome.

Can I just say that I love Lola...I sorta want one just like her (don't tell my kids; they've been begging for a dog for years).

I've eaten my body weight in Jelly Bellies and chocolate these past couple of days. I just call it carb loading :-))

Bob said...

Your humor is fantastic. Next year you win, for sure.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

There are people out there who still try to honor teachers? Didn't they get the memo from our teabagging Galtian Overlords about how teachers and other public worker parasites are stifling the creativity of the productive members of our society? You know, the rich geniuses who create jobs and wealth, like Glenn Beck and the Koch brothers?

I nominate you for the Golden Splat, which is a solid gold-(plated) paper-thin, flat, misshapen Splat, meant to represent an insect that has been crushed underneath the thumb (or perhaps the bootheel) of one of its betters, possibly Glenn Beck or the Koch brothers.

Because you "teachers" deserve nothing better than that. Because you are destroying our society by telling our kids that they are valuable and intelligent and worth sacrificing for - you know, typical leftwing propaganda, the usual everyone-in-our-society-is-valuable Marxist drivel.

Way to go! NOW they'll grow up expecting to be able to earn a decent wage and lead a middle-class life! Meanwhile there are all these multi-millionaires out there who haven't earned their first billion! How are THEY gonna do that without the tax cuts that will come out of your students' pockets? And if you're telling these kids that they are valuable, worthwhile, as important as millionaires' kids, how will they ever agree to being robbed by the rich and the rich folks' creatures, like Scott Walker?

Get with the program and start crushing your students' spirits and lowering their expectations!

Lower ...

still lower ...

... now ... do they have to look up just to see the sole of the boot that's about to crush them?

Good! That's just right!

MJ said...

With you on the decongestant.....

And the streak looks cool, really highlights your eyes!

Coy Martinez said...

Just found your blog!! Love it!

Kate Geisen said...

Those dog pictures are hilarious. And your captions are spot on with her expressions.

Congratulations on being nominated. We currently have a "teacher of the month" trophy going around, so I have 10 opportunities a year to not be chosen. I'm almost (almost) glad, because each winner has to nominate the next person. Ugh.

CharieT said...

Congrats.!!Love the lol slogan "Shorter than grass"

Hair is great!

trailturtle said...

Came back to say the I think that ALL of the nominated teachers should get one of "them Apples." Maybe the one voted TOTY could get an additional plaque or something, but I think it is a tragedy that the nominated teachers don't get anything but the letdown associated with not being "the one."

EatRantRun said...

You'll always be teacher of the year to me. Does that count? Probably not, but shhhhhhh

Irene said...


Herself, the GeekGirl said...

To teach is to touch a life forever. What shit. Having said that, you obviously arent greasing the right palms. Also detoxing is voodoo. Just start eating cleaner. Do I seem cranky and bitter? I am. I know that soon you'll have weeks to lollipop about, wondering what to do with your time. Bitch.