"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Friday, September 10, 2010

Ants! It's what's for breakfast!

Every August as we and the students trudge reluctantly back to school, we are greeted with a more energetic crew awaiting our return... the ants.

Lots and lots of ants.

Unending trails of fucking ants.

We are not allowed to have any type of insecticide in our room. (because, presumably, they think that high school students are so irreparably stupid that upon finding an unguarded bottle of ant spray they will IMMEDIATELY drink it down with a smile)

Therefore I am forced to battle ants with this

Not a super effective ant killer. Mostly it just drowns them and/or makes them smell lemony fresh but, it will beat the troops back a bit.

So that brings us to the reason for today's post.

I get to work pretty early. Typically between 5 and 5:30 am most days. I am one of those ridiculously perky morning people. I do, however, require LARGE amounts of coffee to get through the day, so I usually, (read: ALWAYS) start off my work day by brewing coffee in the coffee maker in my classroom (Yes, that is patently against school regulations. As is my microwave. Bite me. Pay me more than the dude that cuts your lawn and maybe I will consider removing said items, Ms. Superintendent.)

This morning I am making my coffee and already have my panties in a twist because I am out of the good coffee (i.e. the Starbuck's Pike's Peak) and have to resort to the back up Folger's coffee (gasp!) but shit coffee is better than no coffee so I proceed.

After brewing I detect a strange, spicy flavor in my coffee. Hmmm.... odd.

Now this is not my first foray into shit coffee. Truth be told I am a bit of a coffee whore and will drink anything resembling coffee, which includes going all Aunt Edna style and reheating yesterday's coffee to drink or reusing coffee grounds. (Don't give me that face! I am not saying I prefer it, I am just willing to do it. Sheesh. Like you did not lower your standards and wake up with a few fugglies in your day, Mr. and Mrs. Judgey!)

ANYHOO, back to the story...

In my experience, shit coffee can be bitter or dirty tasting, but I have never had it be spicy. Then a particular organic chemistry lecture from college flashed in my mind. Formic acid is a compound in ants that gives them a "spicy" taste.


I check the filter.

Yep, I just drank a nice hot cup of brewed ants.

A new low, even for this coffee whore.

I am headed out for Sacramento this afternoon to run (ok, run-ish) the Rio del Lago 50k tomorrow. This may hurt a little.


C said...


But I almost never drink coffee so this would not happen to me. tee hee.

Have fun at the 50k. Try not to shit yourself.

RunKathyRun said...

I love your blog and the big smile it puts on my face every single time. Good luck on your 50k; I can't wait to read the race report.

Kate Geisen said...

That'll teach those ants a lesson about climbing into your coffee grounds! Lol. Hopefully the rest of the day was up from that point on. Good luck on your run-ish.

SteveQ said...

I've actually PAID to have coffee that went through the digestive system of a civet cat (is that redundant?) but I'll skip the ants.

I get one ant per day in my kitchen and it scares me into the "holy bejeebus it's the armageddon carpenter ant invasion again!" tizzy.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

No time to read. Hafta get coffee for the shore.

Real comment when I get back.

Sorry, B*tch!

nrmrvrk said...

I'm impressed that you thought back to your O-Chem class and recalled that ants have a spicy taste to them.

SteveQ said...

The formic acid of fire ants would make them more than spicy, but your everyday brown or grease ant just tastes of protein; had 'em raw, had 'em chocolate-covered. If you were close enough to the pot, you could've heard the "pop" that let's you know they're done. If you ever get the chance to eat their cousind, the giant termites, just eat the abdomens.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

ZOMG, I found some coffee at home so I didn't hafta go to the store but how apropos that it was coffee I needed, huh? That it was coffee that nearly prevented my reading your post?

Hahahaha! You had your ant in your mouth. And you swallowed. That makes you more than a coffee whoo-wer*!

Plus? You misspelled "aunt".

Next time try roaches. They pop in your mouth, not in the carafe.
* *Sigh* I tried and I tried, but I couldn't really make that joke work. I must need more coffee. Note: The fact that it's lame and didn't work did NOT stop me from using it.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Just read Xenia's comment ...

If you do shit yourself, keep it away from SteveQ because I suspect he might try to make coffee out of it, given, you know, how much coffee you drink and the recent dearth of civet cats.

Heidi said...

in all seriousness... get some Terro for your ant problem in the classroom. It's toxic to ants, safe for pets and children....and dumb teenagers who will do anything on a dare!

And get yerself some REAL coffee for next week!

Lindsay said...


who knows, maybe it's a new fueling method for running. good luck in that 50k! you go out and run these things like they're nothing. meanwhile i'm freaking out about the one i signed up for that isn't til november...

Katie A. said...

I'm not judging really - I'm not - but holy cow that is nassstttyyyy!

Good luck this weekend! Wish I was running with you! Take lots of pics and pick some old fat person to be your bitch! Love you! Hope all is well!

Aileen said...

Oh. Hell. No.

I feel your pain. There is a roach infestation in my new apartment. They have sprayed twice, but I've also been treating it with boric acid, 30 + roach baits, and sprays.

Good luck with the 50K. You never cease to amaze me.

Diana said...

There's another good reason that I don't do coffee!
Good luck with the 50K, I'm looking forward to spewing water (dt dew free!) out of my nose while reading it!

Jill said...

Ewwwww. I remember when I was a kid eating chocolate covered ants. What was I thinking??!!

Good luck in the 50K...don't think of the pain, think of the FUN!! :)

Anonymous said...

I think the Man V. Wild guy would be proud of oyu and your home brew of ant goodness!!

Herself, the GeekGirl said...

Okay, I have to say it: They are that stupid. You know they are. If you had ant poison around, you'd turn your back for 1 second, and have two teenagers, most CERTAINLY boys, daring each other to drink it. Or having a spray fight. I'm surprised you're allowed to have anything but water there. They'd dare each other something stupid with that, too.

PunkRockRunner said...

I’m curious, after consuming the ant-coffee were you able to lift ten times your own weight and did you find the need to pledge your allegiance to the Queen?

The guy that mows our lawn has his own barista (I think he was home schooled).

All the best,


Regina said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Desperation as steeped (ok, that is tea humor) to a new all time low.

btw, I hope THIS is not your big news?