"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Week 7: A post that just needs to be written

If you are looking for an inspiring, fun post you may want to move on because this is not it. Look on my sidebar there are lots of amazing people doing amazing things. Today I am not one of them.

This will be long, boring and depressing. The training stuff is at the bottom if you want to skip the mental vomit that is about to occur, but it is not very inspiring either.

You are forewarned.

I didn't want to write this post for a myriad of reasons: embarrassment mostly (why can't I EVER spell fucking embarrass (ment) (ed),etc. without using spell check? I can memorize even the most obscure minutia involved in the chemical reactions of the Kreb's cycle or protein synthesis, but I can't spell a common word after 40 fucking years on the planet? Whatever)

Anyhoo... then there was the worry about what others would think. Now here is a conundrum that I have read others write about and has been bugging me a lot lately.

Do I write this blog for other people or for me?

The honest answer is both.

1. I write to synthesize things, and to document my experiences, and the feelings surrounding those experiences. I do it so I can remember them and see how far I have come and relive some fun/hard/important moments in my life. I will be honest with you, I read my own blog. A lot. That may seem a little narcissistic to you, but to that I would say look around! This blog is about me. It is filled with pictures of me and things I care about. It's more than a little narcissistic. It is the very definition of narcissistic.

2. I write on a public blog because I want other people to read it and find it interesting too. I mean come on! Of course I do! And so does everyone else with a blog. Otherwise we would write in our Hello Kitty Diary and stuff it between our mattress like other adolescents.

But then I find myself thinking "Gee, XX hasn't commented in a while maybe they don't like me anymore. Or worse, they think I am boring and do not want to read anymore." That is when I think I have lost perspective and have dove headlong back into the torturous world of high school where all self worth is measured by how I appear to others. Time to back that fucking bus up!

I LOVE the sense of community here. I LOVE how much I can learn about life, sport, and balance from reading others blogs. And most of all, I LOVE the people I have met through this tool and I will continue to use it, but I am not going to get hung up on how many comments, who is commenting, how many followers, etc.

I chose to title this blog 'Run Bitch Run' even though it is not PC and may offend some people.

I swear when I write because, well, I swear. It is not to be shocking or contrary. It is how I think and more often than not when I am not working, how I talk. Good or bad. It is what it is.

That is how I choose to think about this blog and me in general. Good or bad. It is what it is.

So, with that said, I want to get my reassurances out there to those blogs that I follow and adore. I am not commenting very much these days and that DOES NOT mean that I am not reading or that I do not like you or your blog.

Because frankly, these days, I am not answering my cell phone, returning calls, even really checking my voice mail. I am also not responding to texts or emails very well right now either.

I am depressed. I am not happy and my life is not fun right now.

Nothing has happened. I don't any have real hardships like other people are bravely struggling through right now,...

to quote my beloved LOL Cats: I. Just. Not. Happy.

I think it is a manifestation of over training, which upsets me because: 1. my training schedule is not even that bad yet and 2. I need every bit of this training if I even have a prayer of finishing IM CdA.

I know that everyday isn't going to be happy, happy, fun, fun, Julie fucking Andrews running through a field of flowers, but this is a hobby. A HA-BEE. Not my job, not a life saving endeavor, it is a hobby and if everything else in my life goes to shit in the pursuit of this hobby, well, it is, frankly, not ok with me.

Does that mean I can not be an Ironman? I don't know.

Does that mean I am not going to push ahead and try to become an Ironman? Hell, no! I am NOTHING if not stubborn. I started this and will finish it.

Thanks, I just needed to get this out of my head.

Here is the ugly of Week 7: Worst training week yet

Monday: Run (4 miles, easy)/1 hour strength class
Tuesday: Swim Masters (1700 yards, drills)/Bike (23 miles, spin class)
Wednesday: 1 hour strength class
Thursday: Nothing (unscheduled rest day in Solvang with hubby)
Friday: Rest day
Saturday: Run (5 miles, easy in Solvang)
Sunday: To be determined, ride canceled for rain AGAIN!


Go Mom Go said...

I understand.

No worries and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Rest is really OK it may make you feel better.

All will be good...someday. You can do CDA, you will do it well. All IM training is not happy happy. But each little bit does help to add up to a great day.

Does any of this make sense?

Thinking of you.

Aka Alice said...

Ya no... Even though we live in SoCal, I do think that Feb and March brings a bit of the winter doldrums every year. I find myself being in a shitty, cranky, mood almost every FEBRUARY...and then to make it worse, mother-nature effing teases us with these occassional 80ยบ days (BITCH), and then bitch-slaps us with another rain storm (and I don't mind the rain either, but just make up your effing mind woman!!!!) Oh ya...and being locked in a room with (gotta love 'em, but still) snotty nosed teenagers and trying to teach 'em and they're all moody and shit in February because they want to be at the beach too, doesn't make it any better (and BTW...I do LOVE teaching...but you know what I mean)...

OK...so my way too long comment-rant, is only to say that it's OK to be sad every once in awhile, if we ran around singing like "Julie fucking Andrews" we'd all end up in a funny-farm anyway...the sadness is what helps us to know joy.

Oh, and I go back and read my blog all the time. It makes me happy :-) so read/write on sistah!

Jo Lynn said...

I know you're not looking for an answer or any advice, so I won't give any. I'll keep checking your blog often, as I do, for updates. I know you will get out of this funk. Even if you don't, I will continue to read. ;)

under my own steam said...

No advice from me either. Just some thoughts...

You're not alone.

You are perfect exactly where you are, when you are.

And, sometimes it just sucks.

Teaching takes a lot out - doesn't give much back.

You totally rock. I love reading your blog. I love it when you curse!

Okay - so one piece of advice - take it easy on yourself - you will get to the other side of the ick.

Stef0115 said...

I agree with Donna!!! I feel like, except for the teaching part, I could have written what Donna wrote.

I've been pulling back on commenting sometimes lately and each time I do, it's because of a place that I'M at, and has nothing to do with what XX blog writer may be writing.

Like sometimes it feels too overwhelming to me to comment on every post if a person posts often. So I let myself be okay with that. And, honestly I don't care what they think of whether I comment or not, if they even do. It's beyond my control to know what they're thinking anyway or what they think of me.

I read my own blog too -- particularly the posts surrounding Silverman. I celebrate that I can now get inspiration from my own blog as well as the blogs of others.

It's great, and most of the time I believe necessary, to finish what you start! I really really believe in that. There is also nothing wrong with making some modifications on your road to success.

Not saying you need to do anything differently (I would not presume to know that or advise you on that) but simply that IF you do, please be okay with it. With yourself.

Hope this makes sense. Yours is one of my favorite blogs to read!

Unknown said...

I'm sorry to read that you are not happy right now. For me, being happy is right up there at the top of my list of priorities. I do things that make me happy and when I do things that don't make me happy I stop doing them and it sucks when things make me unhappy that I can't control and sadly that happens a lot more often than I care to think about. All of that is just to put what I'm going to say next into perspective.

I truly hope you can find your way back to a happy place again soon. Because I think then that happens, everything else will fall into place for you.


The Original MAJ said...

It's funny how you sometimes write about the same things I'm going through without even realizing it. It's kinda how I started reading your blog - I didn't even know you and I was like, "Wow, I have totally been where she is right now." (LOLCats included.) I also have swear when I write. I also burned myself out overtraining this year - before I even got to my goal race. I'm also not commenting blogs, returning phone calls - hell, it's hard enough to return e-mails.

I'm kind of coming out of my own kinda funk too.

And by the way . . .your training week? Still stronger than mine. Hope that helps. A little. LOL

IronWaddler said...

I think you have just written what all of us feel about our blogs. Who do we write them for? A close friend who I run with, reads my blog and complains that I filter all my thoughts. I think about that alot.

As far as the training- 2 weeks ago-Ifelt exactly the same. Did not want to comment or talk or do anything. I know that will change for you.

Hang in there!!

Calyx Meredith said...

I admire your honesty and your stubbornness. I hope the funk begins to dissipate soon. No advice - just lotsa hugs.

Lindsay said...

personally i like the vent. sometimes you just need to get it out so you can move on.

i think we can all understand where you are coming from on feeling burnt out. i know i can at least. sometimes you just get tired of it and it feels like a chore. you are right, it is a hobby, it's for fun. on one hand, maybe you need a really sweet workout that just goes extremely well to break through this funk? or maybe you need a couple days off where you don't even think or worry about your workouts? i feel like since the race isn't til late june you have time to rest for a few days and hopefully recharge? but, i've never trained for an ironman or triathlon period so don't take my word on that.

we all struggle at times. hang in there. we're all here for you, virtually at least!

Alisa said...

I love that you are so honest.

I am a Cali girl living in the NW which means every Oct-June I'm depressed (well the one winter I was here I was). It happens. But as my father-in-law always says, "this to shall pass." (I'm sure someone else famous said that first.)

Southbaygirl said...

We have all been there-YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! No one is perfect! We can't all be happy 24/7-I'd want to shoot myself if I was! Mind you that doesn't mean I enjoy being in a funk or down! Because I hate it!! But it makes me realize what a nice life I have-even though I can still complain and moan!!! I feel your fuck and your down! Iw as there last weekend-for no fucking reason whatsoever!!! I cried on an airplane because I think I'm a horrible mother!!!

You are an amazing woman! You have a wonderful husband who loves you! An amazing furry family who love and rely on your for their entire well being and a job that you love and you are an amazing runner and triathlete!!! You are a super woman...but you can't be a superwoman 24/7.....embrace who you are. Embrace your ups and downs and know that you are not alone and we all have these horrible shitty times!!

We love you! We know you are there!!! Find your happy place and smile!!

Aileen said...

Hey, it is all good, because you just keep moving forward! I for one am inspired by all of your hard work and determination. And when you have to vent and admit, goodness, that you're not super-human, it makes me feel a little better being not super-human myself either. Keep kickin'.

Lou said...

Dear Lord. There's so much I have to say. Where to begin...

I feel like I could have written this post. I have been down lately... like really down, not like normal down cause it's winter and shitty here down. Worse. I don't want to go out; I don't want to take phone calls; don't know if anyone's noticed, but I'm barely blogging... much less commenting... I haven't run in a week and a half and I'm supposedly training for the Indy Mini-Marathon...

That said, from time to time, as a writer, I need to remind myself why I blog. So, I think that's cool. I get caught up in "I don's want to talk about X because so-and-so is reading, and I don't want to talk about Y because people will think I'm a fat ass who never stops whining about her weight..." or whatever. I have to remind myself, this is my blog, and I will write what I want to write, how I want to write it. I have a voice damnit. It may not be great or even good, but it's mine. I have chosen to put it out there, because frankly, I love putting it out there. In theory, you know...

Maybe I should just write my blog posts as comments on your blog posts?

Oh man, I feel you. I feel you big time. Know that I'm still reading. And I definitely still care. And I can't wait to track your race at the IM like some crazy stalker you've never met before.

Sometimes though we all need a break.

Unknown said...

I **heart** your blog because you are so honest. I keep a blog for the same reasons.

I think it is a good thing to point out that "hobbies" aren't always fun. They are frustrating and hard especially when you are moving to the next level. Just like anything, sometimes a little break or changing things up a bit can bring new life to it. (does that make any sense?)

Diana said...

Now I think after reading your post I know why I shouldn't sign up to do an IM....I would be the EXACT same. I would get so totally fixed on it and just let it ruin my very being. "Julie fucking Andrews"...too funny. I my blogging sister have gotten stuck on "Little Fucking House on the Fucking Prairie"! Yeah, it's sad this month of February with being all fucked up health wise....I don't drink, but I sure wonder why some times! LOL!
Hang in there, before you know it...you'll be crossing that finish line and become the bad ass IM you're destined to be!!! :-)

Angela said...

You are one of the main people who has encouraged me to run. Slow and short though it may be, I'm doing it. In part because of you. I can't even imagine the training you are doing as I can't even go more than a mile without a walk break. So I can't even begin to comment on that. I just wanted to let you know that you are a FUCKING INSPIRATION TO ME!

Mike G said...

Wow I didn't think it was possible to overthink running but I believe you managed to do it.

Follow the Nike commercial's lead: just do it.

Es --- IRONMAN! said...

I just happened across your blog and it's like you're speaking for me (and a few of my training partners). We blame it on the weather, life events, training monotany, etc.

I realized the other day that before I signed up for Ironman I was excited about training because it was fun. Racing was fun. Now everything is so fricking serious - I got lectured because I drank ONE beer the night before a marathon.

I'll continue to train for Ironman - and so will you. Not only will we finish our races, we will ROCK the courses.

Take your rest days and transition weeks for granted! Use them to regroup/refocus.

Hang in there!

Carolina John said...

hey, we love you anyway. i also cuss regularly in daily life, and think it's hypocritical to chastize my kids for cursing when it's something i do anyway, and something they will do anyway when they get older. Racial slurs are another story, though. we don's use them, so discriminatory language from the kids is unacceptable. Still, when the bigun goes to kindergarten at church and starts talking, i get a call. it's kind of fun for me to tell the church people to fuck off, though.

everyone gets the blues a little during the winter. i've been upset at having to miss the marathon. i'm still trying to get over the flu that kept me out of the race almost 2 weeks ago, and i'm a little depressed about training for 4 months and not being able to climax. but rest assured that a little RBR time gets me feeling better. call me anytime you need a pick-me-up. i've always got a few jokes or funny story for you, my friend.

Herself, the GeekGirl said...

Not trying to minimize or anything, just thinking that maybe when it gets a bit warmer, and the days a bit longer, that your spirits will lift. Winter has this way of just dragging on me. Dark when I go to work, dark when I'm finished working - I get profoundly slothful and depressed during this time. I always feel better in March, or therabouts.

Adam said...

No words of wisdom from me.

Just hang in there, and keep posting..not matter what you put in your blog. Reading your blog is one of the things I look forward too each time I start catching up.

Anonymous said...

I like you - wanna know why? You're real, you're honest, you're compassionate, and you're damn funny! (and thats just a few of the reasons). Even though I stopped blogging, I still stalk your blog through Google Reader because I enjoy getting a glimpse into the life of an authentically wonderful person. Whether you do an Ironman or eat twinkies all day wouldn't change that.

That being said, I hope you feel better soon. Feeling down is no fun at all. Don't be so hard on my friend whom I've never met in person but know is worthy of all things good and happy :)

Steve Stenzel said...

Hey, don't be knockin' those of us rockin' our Hello Kitty Diarys!!! just kidding... ;)

We all have those rough training weeks. I hope that's not what got you down. Those happen.

It's OK to feel down now and then. I was down in the dumps for about 3 years straight a few years ago. Good luck pulling through!! We're all here for you!!!!!

Here: think of my super gross feet. Made you smile, right? Oh, maybe not...

Unknown said...

I just wanted to say that I've been reading your blog for several weeks and really enjoy it. Hang in there, I hope this rough patch passes quickly.

ShirleyPerly said...

I think this is where your coach becomes invaluable, picking you up when you've fallen down and don't know how to get up. Personally, the workouts I get from mine I could probably get from other sources online or in a book. He earns his "pay" by giving me the stuff I can't get from any canned training program, namely, the support and confidence to go on when things don't go right, when I'm sick and performing poorly, when I'm squabbling or wobbling otherwise.

Don't do this alone. You hired your coach to help you meet your IMCdA goals, right? Use her for all she's worth.

Willie said...

Fuck it!

Sorry that's the best I've got. Do/write/feel what you need to get you through and to hell with the rest. It's your life and there is no "right" way to live it.

Hell this is more fun when you're pissed. Wouldn't want to read a happy-happy joy-joy blog.

Love 'ya babe.

ShirleyPerly said...

PS - Sometimes I wish I'd never gotten into blogging. I love the community as well but feel it can be very demanding too. So I've cut back to posting and reading blogs only a couple times a week. The world will keep spinning even if I'm not there trying to hold it up :-)

Klassenator said...

Swamped with crap this week, but you are worth the time to a least comment and let you know I am reading <3... and I the not being happy for any particular reason... I HEAR YA.

Coffee soon, miss you.

Marie said...

I am not training for an IM (not even close), but I find trying to fit in running, biking AND swimming in the limited hours after work time consuming and tiring. I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now between all those, work and life in general. So I can only imagine how you feel. Sometimes its good to take time completely away from it for a few days or even a week and give yourself a mental health day.

Go Mom Go said...

just wanted to let you know I took my blog private.

If you have any desire to keep reading let me know.


JenZen said...

I love your narcissistic, trucker mouth blog! Makes me feel at one with my own "sailor talk" tendencies. (And the f-bomb always feels so good to drop!) Write what you want. Sorry about the down week. I go through them too. Too much self-depreciating mind crap that I play with myself. You can do this I'm and you can kick ass in it! Sending my curse word ladden words of support!

Formulaic said...

Look at the outcry of support you have.

That's great! Nothing can be said to lessen the depression, just know that we are here for you.

You have some people here with a lot of great advice. Talk to your coach. Push through the warmer weather.

Seriously though, I read over your previous post and see Rain! Rain! RAIN!

Maybe the weather is having a much bigger effect than you thought.

Tater said...

About your post .... Ditto for me! Been depressed since days got shorter. Getting slowly better but now exhausted from training. Trying to please everyone. Wanted to chuck it all the other day when I was getting beaten to death by winds in 40 degree weather on bike.

So Ditto! and (((HUGS)))

Ordinarylife said...

When ever I get into this .... what ever this is... the song "Mama said there would be days like this" pops into my head (repeatadly).

Annoying but true, it seems does seem to happen. Sometimes feel like IM is taking over my life and I just want some sanity back. And then something happens and it all seems ok again.

Good luck!

SWTrigal said...

YOU WILL do IMCDA!! IT is very early in the game and you will have these weeks where you wonder and feel like shit and PLEASE keep swearing! It makes me feel better about my potty mouth..I like reading your blog and telling us like it is my friend..