"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Saturday, November 10, 2007


Sat, 10 Nov 2007 18:02

I feel like I am on the verge of a full blown binge/relapse. For the past week (and I am REALLY hoping it is TOM issues because it could be) I have been feeling like I just want to drown myself in food. Comfort food like cookies, pie, starches, fats, etc. Not just overeat on healthy stuff like I had been doing a while ago, but full blown binge status and eat whatever I want when I want it..

The weather is changing, work and school are stressing me out, my knee hurts and I can't run, all of these things make me want to eat and eat until my stomach explodes like an overfed goldfish!

Right now the thought of not overeating is making me want to overeat more. I need to be held accountable for my eating. I am getting stressed about the upcoming holidays and feeling deprived at parties and meals. I haven't felt deprived all along this journey but all of a sudden I am freaking out about not being able to stuff myself until the point of pain. Does that make any sense?

How can I want to hurt myself that way? I know I will feel sick and bad about myself afterwards, but I feel almost panicked about not be "able to." I don't know if this makes any sense, but I had to get it out there.

I didn't even post a weightloss goal for my 7 goals because I honestly did not think I could do it through the holidays. I have envisioned my graph going up and up and up until I am too embarrassed to come and post here and then next May I end up exactly where I started when I went to JC last May.

So I am going to post my food intake here not as a statement of 'bad" or "good" but just as a factual list. At least then I have to think about how much emotional eating I am doing. I am not sure if this is a good idea or not, but I am seriously worried about my "food mood" right now.

Here is today so far:

JC French Toast

Exercise: 1/4mi walk knee hurting too bad to continue.

Grande Nonfat Sugar-free vanilla latte

JC Mac 'n Cheese
1 slice of wheat bread with margarine (not needed just wanted)

1 cup non-fat yogurt with 1/4 of organic soy flax flakes in it
1 snack package of dried mango pieces

I am going out to Japanese with my friend from LA. I will update this later

1 tamago
cold tofu appetizer
1 Golden Bell Roll (HUGE, fattening, but screamin')

And for Shelley: This tamago. It is egg and really yummy!

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