"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Dear Universe...

You are kind of a bitch. 
Just saying. 



How the universe has dicked me over taught me important lessons recently:

Lesson 1
Order of events: Purchased ridiculously expensive iPhone 4S for hubby as a surprise Valentines Day/Next four hundred birthdays present.  Next day,  I dropped my own ridiculously expensive Android phone onto the concrete floor of my classroom (the screen shattered and went dark, never to play Words with Friends again *sniff*). Two days after that, my computer displayed the blue screen of death.

The Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha is implied.

From this I learned... Gratitude.
These are what they call "Cadillac problems'. I remember working two jobs, going to school full time and standing in the office of the mechanic's shop, looking in my checkbook to check my balance to see if I could pay the $200 to get my car running again so I could make it to those two jobs and school. I just spent almost $2000 in a week on shit I do not need I just want. I am pretty damn fortunate.

Lesson 2
Order of events: About 2 months after my husband started to FINALLY feel like a human being again post-prostate cancer treatment his liver enzymes came back elevated and it was time to get serious about the OTHER diagnosis he got at the time of being diagnosed with prostate cancer, Hepatitis C. If it is determined that treatment is indicated it will be ONE YEAR (ok, I am exaggerating it is a mere 50 weeks. Such a drama llama I am *eyeroll*) of weekly interferon injections and twice daily ribovirin. The treatment will cause bone aching flu-like symptoms, depression, and aggressive mood changes. Plus he may lose hair and have his red blood cell count drop dangerously low. Super!

He has a liver biopsy on the 28th, hopefully it will not show evidence of scarring or cirrhosis and he will not have to start this now.

From this I learned... Appreciate today.
Waiting until something happens or something is done to live your life and appreciate all the things you have is wasteful and sometimes you do not get to end one rough chapter and skip merrily off to live happily ever after. Sometimes you enter another chapter of challenges. I am not going to put seeking happiness on hold waiting for things to be different.

Lesson 3
Order of events: My run partner of many years decided to start a family and that changed our dynamic and made scheduling time together, much less any type of consistent training next to impossible. I took this harder than I would like to admit (what kind of  insecure bitch is jealous of an infant? RBR. That is what kind of insecure bitch) So I work hard to be flexible on scheduling time to be with my best friend and her son. (I even attended baby sign language with them for 6 weeks, where it was assumed, not for the first time, that I was the lesbian lover of my best friend. The instructor taught us the signs for 'gay', 'lesbian' and 'domestic partner'. Whatever. It might come in handy. You never know.) Then I got brave and got a new run partner, the recently introduced TNT Run Buddy. She was just diagnosed with a stress fracture and will be off running for 6-8 weeks. Awesome.

Her royal cuteness is TNT Run Buddy's dog, Winky. Shown here in her best sympathetic pose.

From this I learned... I don't fucking know. Possibly I am supposed to learn that I can be okay with me and my own thoughts, but I will tell you I am currently NOT ready to accept or learn that lesson. Very fucking frustrating. 

Another blog post with more sniveling. Sorry. I started therapy. Hopefully I will be less of an emo asshat soon.

I much prefer evil. It makes me feel like less of a whiny little bitch.

And because she is so damn cute and I would rather end on a high note... Lola at agility class

 She is the smallest dog by at least 50 pounds, and looks scarily similar to the squeak toys they use to rile up the other agility dogs, but look at that laser focus.


Molly said...

I didn't know that you did agility too! There don't seem to be that many of us with the twin addictions of dog sports and endurance sports.

And I too am one of those ones who has ended up on the losing side of my friends making babies. Ugh. Not sure there's any good way to get out of that...

Pam said...

Lesson 1 - I feel you. I catch myself fretting over some pretty shallow shit sometimes and I totally feel like a douche when someone puts it into prospective for me.

Lesson 2 - Well... shit. This just sucks. My uncle had to undergo treatment for HepC a few years ago. It WAS a pain in the ass for him, it WAS a rough year, the interfuron WAS NOT pleasant, but he is absolutely fine now. He's even been cleared to drink socially again. I just know you guys will have the same outcome.

Lesson 3 - I'm 32 years old, and I'm the only (with the exception of one) of my friends that doesn't have a kid. I have mourned every time one has come up pregnant because, as much as they say during their pregnancy, "I'm not letting this change me," it does. Without fail. And things are never the same, and it makes me sad. Well, it used to anyway. I've had to accept it and learn to appreciate the memory of the friendship, savor it for what it was, and move on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should ditch your friend because she had a baby. It's just been my experience that it's exhausting trying to force something that just isn't there anymore.

MAJ said...

First of all, Pam is on it. I love her post!!!

Second, I dropped my Droid from a moving bike last year. oops.

Third, while the experiences are different, we must be going through the same exact kind of mental shit right now. I keep thinking about first world/cadillac problems. This is exactly what I've been feeling. "Waiting until something happens or something is done to live your life and appreciate all the things you have is wasteful and sometimes you do not get to end one rough chapter and skip merrily off to live happily ever after. Sometimes you enter another chapter of challenges. I am not going to put seeking happiness on hold waiting for things to be different."

Thanks for posting. I always miss you when you're gone.

Lots of luck with the treatments. And the phones.

pensive pumpkin said...

Hep sucks. I'm sorry you have to deal with that too, as though the other wasn't enough. The universe should be bitchslapped for that one.

And I totally feel you on the baby thing too. Chevalier and I seem to have a knack for getting other people pregnant, and we don't even get to have sex with them. Good thing we like each other, cause that's all we get.

MJ said...

Fingers crossed for best possible results. And you are so right on the next chapter stuff. Definitely get you on the first world/cadillac problems - I'm cranky about stuff, then guilty about being cranky or ungrateful (even tho I try to be grateful) b/c really, I'm so friggin' fortunate. As my big sis says when I bitch to her tho - it's all relative, so as long as you know it's objectively really not that bad, you can bitch a little. Too bad it's not feasible to be virtual run partners w/ folks far away. (not me, I think you're faster than me grin)

Aka Alice said...

Here's what a selfish bitch I am...I am so happy that you wrote today, because of course, this is all about me, and I love your posts, and I KNOW you absolutely wrote this because you knew that I NEEDED to read one of your posts because they make me smile because DAMMIT it's all about me.

How's that for one long-ass run-on sentence (it actually isn't, just to many other things going on) and a more than a little bit of what actual self-centeredness sorta, kinda looks like because my lousy root canal last week, while a small pain has nothing on what you've been dealing with.

So you can call yourself a whiner all you want, but I think that in real life (as opposed to blog life), you're really not, and I still think you're pretty cool, and a giving person, and I'm so sorry you're having such a sucky year.

BTW...eventually, the little ankle biter will be in middle school, and then high school, and won't be the center of LA Run Buddy's existence, and you'll get your friend back. I was like that with my friends after I had my kids too. I know I ignored them, and I'm ever so glad they waited for me to raise the little ones. You think 12 more years is a long time (warning: cliche coming), but it goes by really damn quickly...

SteveQ said...

Ray of sunshine that I am, I find that AKA Alice is overly optimistic - I never get those friends back. The kids stay at home until they're 30, perennially stoned and then they have kids of their own and nowhere to go, so you have to wait out yet another generation...

I would pay to see Lola in agility. THAT's how effin cute that is!

Carolina John said...

yea white people problems. If we lived somewhere that had no health care for prostate cancer or hep c, then we'd really be in trouble.

Diana said...

Sorry for such a suck-tastic place you seem to be stuck in. I hope the black clouds finally start to split up and move on over to some other poor bastards life....just don't send 'em over this way!

Best of luck with the hubs and Hep C, that blows big time. First the big C, now this C. Enough already-I know this is a useless phrase, but I gotta say it...."hang tough".

Lily on the Road said...

I've got nothing to add, holy schn*tz girl, you've got your hands full. Good Luck to hubs!

AKA Alice, you always crack me up and the only thing I've learned about life is, change is the only constant.

SteveQ said...

Strangely, I just ran across a blonde named Stacey Rider - and it was close enough in name, I thought of you. STILL hope all turns out well.

Tasha said...

I'm sorry that you've been dealing with annoying shit and serious shit with your husband's health. One of my friend's husbands went through that a few years ago and he is fine now. He's back in the gym playing raquetball now! I know how you feel about all of your friends having kiddos. I'm in the same boat. I have dogs but it's nice to know we can board them and go out of town for a run! Hang in there!

Pam said...

Just found your blog. You're hilarious. That's all.

My husband calls "Cadillac problems" first world problems. Good problems to have, for sure. Wishing good health to your husband.