"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Petulance Unleashed

This morning I was sitting in the truck next to hubby on the way to his first IMRT radiation treatment. He will receive a total of 28 of these treatments. We will go 5 days a week for 5 1/2 weeks.

It was quiet in the truck. 'Riders on the Storm' was playing on the stereo. He smiled at me. I smiled back, but inside my heart was racing and my mind was screaming in a full blown tantrum.

I do not want to go to radiation!
I do not want to go to the radiation oncologist!
I do not want my husband to need a fucking radiation oncologist!
I do not want my husband to have fucking cancer!
I don't want it!

It was all I could do to not burst into tears and run screaming from the car into traffic.

He smiled at me again and squeezed my hand as we pulled into the parking lot. "Time to microwave the huevos" he joked. I laughed and kissed his neck.

My heart pounded in my ears. My throat was so tight I could not swallow. My mind continued to scream. I almost could not hear the receptionist say good morning.

I have to get out of here.
I can not do this.
I am not strong enough for this.
Please, make all of this fucking go away.

I smiled at the technician as she came to get my husband, "I like my men medium rare. Please do not over cook him." I told her. She laughed. He laughed. She giggled as he smiled at her (they all do).

NO! NO! NO! You can not have him.
I can't breathe.
I think I have stopped breathing.
Someone, please fucking help me. I am drowning.
Smile Stacey, he does not need you freaking the fuck out, you selfish bitch.

I smiled and the door closed. 20 minutes later he came out. "That was easy. One down, twenty-seven to go."

One down. Twenty-seven to go.

30 comments:

Steph Bachman said...

Thoughts and prayers to you. Good for you for staying strong for DH.

Now, for later, maybe a big old margarita or 3 and some chocolate? Small consolation, but one visit at the time.

Kate said...

That is not petulant. Petulant is me pouting all weekend when I didn't get a bike for my birthday. You, I'm sorry to say, are normal, except that you're strong as hell. It's a scary time...and the way you're keeping it together (at least on the surface) is amazing.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

Neil Z said...

you are going through this too. Seek a helping ear or hand.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Sister, my heart goes out to you! I can't even imagine how I would be if I had to accompany Teh 'Bride to something like this. But I think you women are stronger than us men, I really do. And you'll get through this. Because your husband will get through it because he has you!

Remember what JM said in "Riders":

Girl, you gotta love your man
...
Take him by the hand
Make him understand
The world on you depends
Our life will never end
Gotta love your man


Because his life depends on you just as yours does on him.

I know you're scared, sister - who wouldn't be? - but you are doing an amazing job of staying strong for your man.

Just keep your eyes on that image of you and him, hand-in-hand, at the other end of this 5-and-a-half-week ordeal.

You can see it, sister, can't you?

My thoughts are with you both!

Indi said...

I'm praying for strength for you! He will get through this!

Christi said...

You are doing a great job for him and I will pray that this strength continues for you and for him!

Katie A. said...

Hugs and love! You BOTH are amazing and I'm thinking of you!!!
1 down, 27 to go - you can do it!

joyRuN said...

Keep that petulance coming - fight this thing with both guns blazing.

Hang in there. You both have a lot of folks rooting for you.

Pam said...

Girl, I don't even know you and I love you!

You are so unbelieveably strong. You are ALLOWED to have an inner mental temper tantrum under these circumstances. It's EXPECTED!

One down, twenty-seven to go.

Thoughts and prayers with you all the way.

Jo Lynn said...

I'm sorry girl. I don't like my friends being scared.
You're always on my mind, know that. ;)

Diana said...

Damn, cancer just sucks the big one.....
I cried reading this one. I know, like the rest said and G was the best at putting my thoughts into words-damn librarians are so gifted at that! You'll both come out of this. Keep the faith. Be strong, and yet don't hold back. Keep the communication open-either here or wherever you need it!
Any medical questions I can help with, I'd be happy. If I don't know the answer, I'll find it out!
Hang strong-prayers and hugs.

daysrun said...

That's exactly the same as what I was thinking yesterday at the vet. I was waiting for the vet to come in for Jersey's second batch of chemo. I was running all the possible things thru my head. "She's lost 4 more pounds, does that mean the cancer is really bad? Is she going to come in with bad news? Why does the beautiful puppy have to go thru this?" It's tough and I have to be strong for her. You do the same for him. He needs it. (((hugs)))

Regina said...

Wow. That really was a powerful post. I felt it straight through my heart. I love my husband dearly, so I'm sitting here thinking. "what if it were me?"

You are not selfish, you are frightened and you love your husband. Who wouldn't feel the same?

I know humor is a way of covering up our fears, but I still think what he said about microwaving his huevos and you liking you man MR was funny stuff. I'm keeping you both close in my thoughts.

Christina said...

Don't bottle everything up inside you. Share it with us. One down, 27 more to go.

Maryland Girl aka Michelle said...

Keep up the strength! Hugs to you both.

Anne said...

You are going to get through this together...this post was definitely very powerful and it made me tear up. Impossible to imagine having to go through this...you are an amazing woman.

Aka Alice said...

You are brave and strong enough for the both of you. That label Ironman/woman isn't only bestowed upon those who do triathlons.

Slomohusky said...

Thanks for sharing all of this and showing off how strong you are. You are and example to us all.

I have nothing more to add to what Kate and Glaven Q have stated. Well, maybe -

Happy Birthday!

Lucinda said...

Thinking of you, and your husband.

x

Julie said...

Hugs....your good together you and your man....and you will be good together for a very long time. Keep the faith.

doctorval said...

He is a lucky man to have the love of a woman like you. And you are lucky to have the love of a man like him. It's ok to not want him to have to do this. It's ok if you don't want to do this. Who would want to? But you're there, in the truck, holding his hand. You're staring down something really horrible with him. He's a good strong man, and he and his boys will get through this. They'll get through this because of your love and his strength.

trailturtle said...

Hi Stacey,
Sorry for the paucity of comments from me lately (I HAVE been reading all of your posts) but I have had my own set of life stressors to deal with. Seems like you could use all the well wishes you can get now, so hope sending you positive energy helps. Remember that Lance Armstrong came back stronger from the same "big C" so your hubby can, too. Good luck with the SF marathon this weekend. Maybe I'll finally meet you after missing you at BSIM and a couple of PCTR events--a last minute trip will allow me to be in the SF area tomorrow, so let me know if a bunch of you will be meeting at the expo or for dinner Sat (I hope to do Sequoia PCTR that morning) or maybe I'll see you at the event. All the best for you and your hubby, Ann

Kimberly said...

You ARE strong and we are praying you through this...both of you.

SteveQ said...

I just sent you an email that shows I didn't read this post first. Oops.

IronSnoopy said...

So scary. So crying for you. Think of you guys daily.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

@SteveQ - Well, well, well. Look who the cat dragged in.

'Bout time you posted a comment. Mom was worried about you.

SteveQ said...

@GQH: Look who's talkin', bub! Deleting posts and then nothing but how great teh Bride is and nicey-nice comments; you've been on cruise control.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry that you (both) are going through this. I wish I could do something to make it go away. But sadly, I cannot. All I can to is let you know that I'm thinking of you.

Take care.

TinaGirl said...

I've been thinking about you both. My prayers are with you. Sometimes being the caregiver is much harder than the actual patient. You are fighting the cancer too... and having to hold it together and stay strong. Please lean on your friends, cry on the trails, get it out so that you can cope while together. You are amazing and strong and loving. This is more than just normal, you are being superb. (((HUGS)))

TinaGirl said...

I've been thinking about you both. My prayers are with you. Sometimes being the caregiver is much harder than the actual patient. You are fighting the cancer too... and having to hold it together and stay strong. Please lean on your friends, cry on the trails, get it out so that you can cope while together. You are amazing and strong and loving. This is more than just normal, you are being superb. (((HUGS)))