"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Monday, March 22, 2010

Emotions have a lot of calories

My name is RBR and I am an emotional overeater.

Good thing I am too lazy to tag my posts or I am certain I would be horrified to see a visual reminder about how much of my life I devote to this fucking topic.

*sigh*

Food tends to be my go to drug of choice in most situations, but throw in some emotional pain and

WOWSA

Competitive eaters hold on to your trophies and get to practicing your reptilian-like eating, there is a new girl in town and she is gunning for your title.

Really, that HAS to be the most disgusting "sport", ever

When I began to notice that small dogs were being trapped in the gravitational pull of my gigantic ass and orbiting me, I decided enough was enough.

Today, I go back to Jenny Craig.

I am sure every one has lots of opinions on this and feel free to voice them, but I will remind you that I am a 40 year old, biology teacher that has been battling her weight her entire life. If I could "eat a balanced diet of whole grains, dark leafy greens, and lean proteins" or "consume less calories than I burn" don't you think that I would have done it already?

I need someone to say "See this little box? That is all you get, fatass. Once you finish licking the tray you are D.O.N.E."


Now, I have failed at every diet you can possibly imagine, INCLUDING Jenny Craig, but JC is the only one I have had some semblance of success at. I know it is not a long term solution, but sometimes I need an intervention to stop the madness and soul crushing upward trajectory on the scale.

I think JC has worked in the past because it gives my addictive, obsessive personality something to focus on and it is my hope to use it to stop the compulsive overeating and get the eating and portions somewhat under control while I work on the emotional side of this.

If you think compulsive overeating means eating two pieces of pie when you only planned one, congratulations, you are probably not a compulsive overeater. If you know it means eating two whole pies, while crying in your car as you hide from everyone you know, dude, I am sorry. *bows head and raises fist in solidarity and empathy*

Wish me luck

In accordance with the rules of this blog I must post something bitchy. So here is a list of shit that pissed me off this week:

1. Dude at fast food restaurant staring up blankly at the list of food choices and asking the 16 year old cashier for culinary recommendations from the menu.


Alien from another fucking planet that has apparently never been to a Burger King: "Do you think the number 8 or the number 10 is better? Which would you get?"

Poor dumbass cashier as he
turns to stare at the menu as well: "Uhhh, I don't know... Do you like BBQ sauce?"

Cranky, hungry RBR who is trapped behind this MENSA meeting thinks: "Oh, for fuck's sake, they all taste the same. Pick one, asshole!"

RBR says: *sigh*

2. Woman at the grocery store blocking the entire dairy case while she chooses yogurt, and then acts offended when I reach in front of her.

RBR: Excuse me *grabs cottage cheese*

Fatass Dairy Blocker: *hmpf *You must be in a hurry.

RBR thinks: Well, I considered spending another 10 minutes staring at your mesmerizingly huge ass while you contemplate yogurt flavors, but, I decided to get on with my life. And by the way, nonfat yogurt? Seriously, who are you fooling? *

RBR says: *eye roll* Whatever ( I know I am sooooo witty!)




22 comments:

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Yeah, TB*, people who block aisles are a pet peeve of mine, too, because know what? Even if you actually were gonna move yer fat @$$ in 10 seconds, it not up to you to decide that I had those 10 seconds to waste. I may have; I may not have. Point is, even if I do? Yeah, it's my decision how to waste them.

Which pretty much translates into get the fuck outta the way NOW, douchenozzle, not 10, 20, 30 or 3000 seconds from now, or I swear to Sweet baby Jebus I will turn that low-fat yogurt into a suppository!

B*tch, you bring out Teh B*tch in me!
____
* That's just easier to type than "Tranny B*tch" every time

MCM Mama said...

Good luck with JC. I've often thought that being given a specific amount in a box would help me with my eating issues, but I'd still have to overcome the issues I have with snacking on everything I make the kids, sigh.

Love your comeback to yogurt lady. Only wish you'd said it out loud. ;o)

Kelly said...

I loved your post! So funny! ;)Good luck with Jenny...the hardest part is always the first week...u can do it!

Kim said...

Yeah, that grocery store chick pretty much sums up my weekly Walmart experience. Damn, I wish they were not the cheapest grocery store in town! If JC works for you, then go for it. You know the ins and outs...you know eventually you have to transition back to regular food, but if it helps you reign back in control, then good for you for knowing it!

ShirleyPerly said...

Good luck with JC and getting the overeating issues under control. I don't think it matters how many times you may have failed in the past. The important thing is you keep trying!

a.k.a.Moogy said...

Good luck RBR...I guess that JC is better than my JD...praise JFC! In my thoughts and pulling for ya...

Jess @ THIR said...

Lol @ the fatass yoghurt lady. I HATE people that do that!!
I just want to get my shit and get out, not give way to all the people who like to make a day of the grocery shopping.

Seriously, stand back a bit.

On that note... I think this is my first comment on your blog, so HI!
I've read it for a bit, but not really commented... but the fatass yoghurt lady made me giggle... and god DAMN I needed a giggle today!

Jo Lynn said...

Because I know you love and adore me, I'm going to say this. I wish I would have chosen food instead of an alcohol-filled shot called "Chocolate Cupcake" on February 27th. :(
Recovery of any kind is hard and I know too well that you know this too well.
I just have to ask - have you tried Nutrisystem? I lost 30 pounds on that back in 2007.
I liked your bitching. So true though!! xoxo

Diana said...

The thing to me that's worse than people blocking the aisle is people who stand right in front of a elevator while you're trying to get off....UGH! Get the F**K out of the way!
My 2 cents (all it's worth!) on the JC. I am a huge believer in cooking all my own food. I refuse to make any big ass company who really doesn't give a flying F**K about my health and well-being richer!
You say you "need" someone to say "that's all you get" by eating just the what's in the box. Why can't that person be "you"? You appear to be a strong woman. I understand addiction (not a heavy crack, benzo, marijuana, alcohol or stuff like that), I'm addicted to Diet Mt Dew. Now as you clean up the mess from snorting your coffee out your nose over that news, it's true. I drank 6, sometimes more in a day. That's absolutely ridiculous. I looked in the mirror at my ever flowing "muffin top" I get from all the soda and said "enough you idiot"....I have been down to 1 can a day for a week now. NO, it ain't easy-it's fucking hard as hell not to drink this shit. I hate large corporations who add crap to their products which keep us fat asses coming back drooling for more!
Long story short, so to speak, is I understand overeating. I was fat, I can get fat again real quick if I choose-but I choose not to. I enjoy my look, I enjoy my new clothes, I enjoy my new way of athleticism. I'm not great at any sport (OK, except my kettlebells-I rock those bitches!) but I am doing them which brings me pleasure and health.
Look at yourself. Look deep. Look to yourself to get your eating the way you want/need/know it should be.
Don't blow your hard earned money by giving it to Jenny-she deep down doesn't care.
There ya go.....you asked for it!!!

Christi said...

I love your "bitchy" comments. Thanks so much for sharing!

Regina said...

Ah..coffee and RBR, a morning match made in heaven! I'm sorry , but I loved the orbiting dog metaphor.

I've done the weight watchers thing before. Too many rules and I hate the meetings. It seems I just need to workout like a million hours a week; it appears to be the only solution for me, I love food.

I would like to add that i hate people who sing at the top of their lungs with headphones on in the gym, on the treadmill...and are tone deaf, seriously? shut up!

SteveQ said...

Instead of the tubbos, it's the opposites that bother me - "What type of oil is used in that? Is it whole-grain or only partially whole grain? Does it include MSG or other hidden sources of sodium? Can I get that without the added toppings?"

And I tell her to hurry up, because I've already finished mine and it's a friggin' doughnut and I'm buying.

Kristi said...

If JC works for you, then go for it! I did the JC program twice before and I really needed "this is all you get". I'm still a food junkie, but this last go round when I wanted to drop a few pounds, I worked with a nutritionist instead. Whatever. Go with what works for *you* that's the important thing!

Becky said...

Girl, I know what you mean. Last night, after realizing I COMPLETELY FORGOT to write a paper for a grad school class, I emotionally left my whole food diet for three beers, three slices of pepperoni pizza, and a bag of veggie chips. I blame my bf for leaving that pizza crap in the freezer and the package store for selling me a sixer. I'm just sayin'...

Sarah said...

Sigh. I feel ya. Everyone told me I'd lose 20 lbs after a divorce. Uhh....not so much. I found every bit of junk food available. And Ironman training does not help...I want to eat EVERYTHING.

Anyway, this is about YOU not me. Love the bitch comments, it wouldn't be right if you didn't throw those in!

Drs. Cynthia and David said...

You gotta do what you gotta do. If JC works for you, go for it! One benefit might be retraining yourself to eat the "correct" portion sizes again. When you're not doing JC, you might try a paleo approach- lots of fresh veggies, eggs and meats actually turns out to be pretty low calorie, especially if you avoid drowning them in butter or sauces or overdoing the nuts (all are somewhat negotiable depending on your desperation). And a couple ounces of cheese can really save you from a binge since it is so satisfying.

Good luck with the diet and training (and bitching)!

Cynthia

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

ZOMG, TrannyB, I would NEVER intentionally keep my new blog secret from you!1! And to make up for not sending you a formal invitation, I instead offer you this new Title Pic as a Peace Offering.

So we're good now? You're still my favorite tranny.

Am I still your favorite dickweed?

Formulaic said...

God I love your humor.

Licking the box was F.u.n.n.y!

Except, knowing me, I would try eating it too.

Fuck I am starved and those little boxes only hold so many calories. The cardboard has got to be worth something right? Fiber??

Carolina John said...

Enjoy the JC girl. it works if you work it.

JohnnyTri said...

LMAO!!
funny pissing you off comments this week!!! I love it.

When you coming back to do RAGE?

rockon'

Aka Alice said...

My pet peeve...people who write checks...I mean WhoTF writes checks anymore? Inevitably it's peeps who have all the time in the world and who wait until they have a total to start writing any of the EFFING CHECK!

I think decided to go to JC is a way to gain control...so good for you!

Spring Break yet?

SteveQ said...

For my eating exploits, check out http://stevequick.blogspot.com/2008/08/2008-stick-quest.html

23000 calories in one day!