"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Ghost Run

School started this week. This is a multi-day musings post that I have stopped and started 10 times.

I have 157 posts in my Google Reader.

I don't have time to scratch my own ass these days.

It is going to be a long semester.


This weekend I went for a long ride with my hubby. It went through an old neighborhood, by an old hospital, by lots of haunted places. God, this isn't even where I hit my bottom, but it was still kind of like a movie flash back sequence through some of the low lights of my life. I'll spare you the details.

That, coupled with my severe lack of sleep lately (insomnia. averaging about 2-3 hours a night for the last week and a half) and the start of both the high school that I teach at and the semester at State where I both teach and take classes, has resulted in less than stellar mental health status.

Tuesday morning I got up at 4 am to run my 4 miles and she was out there.

I could swear, I even saw her. I saw her dirty hair and yellow skin sitting on the couch half passed out. On each loop, through half opened eyes, she would laugh as I passed.

Why are you running?

Who do you think you are?

You think you are a runner?

Ironman?! That is fucking hilarious!

C'mon on, you know who you really are. You know who you will be again.

Fuck you. I am not you.

Not anymore.


After a 15 mile ride in 99 degree heat yesterday, I ran at 4 this morning (5 miles) and it was already 75 degrees and about 50% humidity (that is a lot for California) but at was a whole lot better than running at 3 pm in the 100+ degree heat that was projected for today. I seemed to have exorcised the demons and this run was decidedly less haunted than Tuesday's.

My schedule this semester has been seriously fucked over by class changes at State and I have a narrow window in the middle of the day on three days of the week to train. On the other 2 days of the week that window is too narrow and only leaves 4 am or 10 pm for training time. I have to grade and prepare for my classes at some time, so 4 am seems the only option.

I have to say, although it is painful to get out there at first, I enjoy running at that time. My mind works a little differently, it is quiet, even with my iPod, and I somehow feel lighter in the quiet.

That is nice. I haven't felt very light lately. Literally or figuratively.

On the upside I think I have a really good group of kids this year. We have been having a lot of fun the first few days. Hopefully the honeymoon will continue.

I am off to pre-masters swim class. My swimming has been piss poor lately.
Need to fix that.


Aka Alice said...

We've seriously gotta get together at some point and trade I-way-overbooked-and-teaching-at-too-many-institutions stories.

Love the ass-scratching pix. LOL.

Hang in there; it'll settle into some kind of a routine at some point. It always does.

Stef0115 said...

I like the inner demons picture. May "borrow" it.

Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing all the right things whether you want to or not. I am especially impressed by your early hours. I SO need to get up early to run. My 2 hour run in the 100 degree heat yesterday trashed me -- and all because I "couldn't" get up early to do it. You are an inspiration.

Jane said...


Unknown said...

Getting up that early to run is a HUGE accomplishment.

As for those inner demons. Keep telling them who's boss and they'll eventually give up and go away. :-)

Herself, the GeekGirl said...

They're always a good group of kids. They just usually have a crappy group of parents, and/or you have a crappy group of administrators. Not that I'm BITTER or anything...

Willie said...

I remember dreading the end of summer vacation and how hard it was to get started again. I guess for teachers that continues to happen every year!

Keep those demons in control. They have no real power even though it seems almost the opposite sometimes. You are strong, that person you were doesn't exist anymore. Gone forever. Hell I never even knew her and don't want to.

How are the RBR girls? Please let them know I miss them and sometimes find myself laughing out loud when I remember meeting you gals.

Calyx Meredith said...

I love to run that early in the morning. I know EXACTLY what you mean by feeling lighter. But holy cow - how do you do that AND then do all the other stuff too?! THAT'S the part I have trouble with. Glad you have a good group of kids this year!

Lou said...

I totally am with you. Things have been too busy lately. I'm impressed that you're keeping up with your training.

See? I'm all uninspiring in the comments department!

ShirleyPerly said...

LOL! Where do you get these funny animal photos!?!

Way to get out there on your runs so early in the morning. Hope the demons continue to stay away!