"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Passive Aggressive Husband Torture

When you are ill, somewhere around Day 4 it becomes your husband's fault.

Hey, boys don't blame me. I don't make the rules.

Today is Day 5 of my current illness. Hubby's world has been a little slice of sunshine for about 24 hours now. Here is a list of mean shit I have done to my husband in the last 24 hours:

1. Made him feel like shit by giving him the accounting of the number of times he has kissed my bitch self since Saturday. (Which was ZERO by the way. You may be wondering how I know the exact accounting and why I was keeping track, if I didn't get to the "it is your fucking fault I feel like shit" phase until 24 hours ago. I am a professional wife. I save this shit up to use at any given time.)

2. Called my mother and told her that I ate a can of green beans for lunch because I had run out of food and my husband wouldn't buy me any. She, of course, called him and he went shopping today.

3. I washed his work coveralls (he is an electrician) for him and then threw a Snuggle Lilac fabric softener sheet in the drier. He will be at work tomorrow smelling like a 70 year old woman at BINGO.

Sorry boys! I'm taken.


Anonymous said...

You are dreadful .. but very funny!

The reason I've dropped by? To wish you a "happy birthday" ! Hope you're feeling better soon, I'm not sure your DH should suffer too much more ;)

Calyx Meredith said...

I came by to say Happy Birthday too. I do hope today is better than yesterday (and the four days before that!) Poor RBR. Poor Mr. RBR. Y'all need a break! Many happy returns of the day!

Andrea N said...

Happy Birthday!! God I hope you've made a miraculous recovery because you can't be sick today!!

Anyway, I know, I know - everything that sucks is the husband's fault. Last night our central air conditioning at home decided it wasn't going to blow cold air anymore. Husband's fault.

Yesterday we got in a friggin' monsoon as we were walking from the train station over to where he was going to have some dental surgery. Yes, Dental Surgery. I was soaked. His fault. Too damn bad he was going to have the roof of his mouth grafted - I was wet!

So, I totally understand. I hope Mr. RBR understands too. It's just the way it is!

Angela said...

Happy Birthday! I hope you feel better! This was a funny post. I know you didn't mean it to be funny. Can't wait to hear about DH's day at work. I'm sure he smells just lovely.

SWTrigal said...

Of course it is his fault you are sick. Isn't the male gene responsible for us from the beginning? :)
Hope you feel better soon-the forced recovery may help you acutally in the race..

E said...

Happy Birthday! Hope you are feeling better soon!

Aka Alice said...

I like #3...I'm going to remember that one for future use.

Hope you feel better soon!

Lindy said...

Music cued: They say it's your birthday! Well it's my birthday, too (tomorrow)!

Have a wonderful birthday!!!!

Stef0115 said...

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!

Maryland Girl aka Michelle said...

Many Happy Returns! Isn't that what old Pooh Bear said. Anyway.. Happy Birthday and I sure hope the illness subsides soon for your sake and your hubby's.

ShirleyPerly said...

Happy Birthday! Man, I hope you're feeling better soon. But I do love the cute pictures you've been posting.

Shelley said...

Happy Birthday Stacey!! When you are feeling better, lets get together and I'll take you out to that lunch you were talking about!
Feel better soon and have a great day. Green beans for lunch? Awwwww. :(
Hugs & Kisses,

Anonymous said...

I knew I would love this post as soon as I read the title ;)

I was reading it from my phone in the car this morning as my "new driving" son was driving to football practice. I cracked up at the part where you said..."He will be at work tomorrow smelling like a 70 year old woman at BINGO." My son thought it was hilarious, too!

I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Willie said...

Wow! you are not a happy sick person at all! Have I mentioned how great you look today? No? Let me do it again....

I'm going to stop typing for fear that I may become a target. Sometimes it's best to just smile and remain completely silent.

Lou said...

I totally LOL-ed at you eating the can of green beans and your mom calling your husband to make him go shopping... which might tell you a little something about myself. :D

Also, I just told MM today that we have not made out for three days, nor has he kissed me enough this week. So. Um. Yeah.

Erin Leigh said...

As far as I am concerned the can of green beans gets you off the hook for all of the above. And I love me some vegetables.

When you are sick you are supposed to be CATERED to and they just don't do it. When the tables turn they are whiny heeps of wimpyness that expect us to do everything for them.

They are totally going to write in on the shitter walls about his lilac ass ;)

Happy Birthday. Hope you are feeling better.

Tracy said...

From the comments, I'm assuming it's your birthday!

But I want to thank YOU for the gift of laughter today. Hilarious post. I needed that!

Southbaygirl said...

Woo Hoo Lilac fabric softener-how awesome!!! I love it!!! Very clever!!! I will have to remember to do that the next time I wash a mans clothes-ha ha that may never happen again!!!!

I didn't know it was your birthday-maybe I did know and have been so self-absorbed in my own muck and mire that I forgot about my friends! What kind of selfish friend am I???

I think the most important thing is to get better-I'm trying to listen to my own advice-it's fucking hard! But please don't stress and sweat over this half tri you have next week? Fuck if you've spent money and can't do it-is it the end of the world? Hell no!!! Get better and feel like a human again!!!

Cyberpenguin said...

Hahahaha, this post is hysterically funny. You are a riot. I love #3. Payback's a bitch, eh?! ;-)

Maybe he should take the hint & kiss you more often. But maybe not just now, since he's currently feeling ill. Hopefully, it's not contagious. That could explain the not-kissing-you-at-all part. ;-)