"...In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or
brilliance. They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not."

~ Anonymous
(taken from Matt Erbele's, It Takes Time to Get Good)

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Feeling down

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 15:51
Feeling down

I am feeling a little down again today. It seems to be a Saturday staple. I may need to look at that pattern.

I am feeling very bummed that I am almost 100% assured I will not be able to meet my goal of running the entire marathon. At this point I am hoping to be able to complete the marathon at all. I am going to have to start with the walkers so that I have enough time to try to finish, but I am not even sure I will be able to finish at all. I keep stuffing the feelings and not letting myself cry, but maybe I need a good cry.

I am not sure if I ever posted this but I started with Team in Training because a good friend of mine of 16 years (the entire time I had been clean) was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 months later. I was there the night he died and many of the days in the 3 months preceeding his death. I was struck by his calm. hHe was young (56) had an active life and a lot to live for (new wife, kids, grandkids, huge fellowship of people that deeping respected and loved him) I was so amazed by how calm and serene he was.

Don't get me wrong, he wasn't ready to go, he didn't just lay down to die. He was looking for a way to fight it, but he was also in acceptance of what was going to be was going to be. He said he had spent the last 20 years (he had been clean 20 years. I had known him all 16 years of my recovery) cleaning up the wreckage of his life and living the life he had always wanted.

Not some bullshit fantasy life with lots of cash, fast cars and supermodels. A REAL good life, where the people that meant the most to him knew how much he loved and valued them through both his words and actions. He told me that he didn't have any regrets. Wow.

I don't know if he ever knew prior to our conversations in those last days how much he meant to me, because I have a hard time being vulnerable enough to speak what is in my heart. I am glad that I had that time to let him know.

I vowed that I wouldn't let opportunities pass me by to let the people I care about know how I feel and know how important they are to me. I also vowed that I wouldn't waste energy hunting for the approval of people that I didn't really give a shit about and that didn't really give a shit about me, as I have squandered a lot of the time was given to me, on this planet, doing just that.

After his death I wanted something positive to come from this, so I started to raise money for cancer research through Team in Training. He would have rather chewed off his own foot than ran a marathon, but he would have understood the gesture and been amazed by the outpouring of support I have received.

We (he and I) raised over $3600 for cancer research in the training for this event. His wife is so grateful, my friends are so supportive, and now I may have to report that I didn't make it? Ok, here comes the cry.

It is more than I marathon I am missing. It is his marathon. I will do a marathon in the future, I know that, but this one is special. It breaks my heart to think I may not complete it.

But goddamn it, I will start the mother fucker. And the only way I will stop is if it is physically impossible for me to continue walking.

Ugh, *Ok, regroup Stacey.*

I want to try to look at the positive, so as to not ruin the weekend. I have a very important friend visiting from LA this weekend and I don't want to be a bummer in the short amount of time I have with her.

Positive things:

1. I have completed all of the training for this event. I DID NOT QUIT, even when it was hard.

2. I ran all of the training miles. I did not walk any of it. That was a very important goal for me because I wanted to run the whole marathon.

3. I raised over $3600 for cancer research. There may be a drug out there that could stop fast spreading tumors like his. He would be proud of his contribution to the fight.

4. I ate healthy and lost over 20 pounds in this process. It was not a crash or fad diet. It was not driven by unhealthy periods of not eating at all. It was accomplished in a 100% healthy way.

My friend was not a particularly health conscious person. I am not blaming his cancer on that, but it couldn't have helped the situation. His wife was always fearful of his unhealthy ways.

I do not want my choices to lead to an early death. My husband, my family and my friends deserve better. I vow to treat their love with respect and take care of their loved one. It is one way I can show them that I love them everyday.

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